Survival

Though this sounds like a chapter heading out of Twilight, believe me it's not :). With my ear phones plugged in and my ipod at a volume which makes the ear-phones unnecessary in the first place.... let's say I am trying to drown out my thoughts. I have been trying all day in-fact........ to unsuccessfully just stop thinking. I feel like today I could identify with any cigarette smoker or drug addict in the world........ I can understand exactly what would drive you to want one, I wouldn't mind one myself at this point.

For me, when I am uncomfortable, hurt, depressed, the first thing that gets immobilized is my voice..... for some reason, I cannot form the words that are going around in my head. It does sound cliched, but I feel exactly like Meg Ryan in You've got mail when she talks about how she gets voice paralysis when stuck in an unpleasant situation. I've hated altercations and fights from forever......and shy away from unpleasantness like a touch-me-not. And yet this behavior is the worst adversary to you and yourself, since the imprisoned words and thoughts now swirl into poison fumes, engulfing your mind and feelings, preventing you from doing anything but wallowing in self-pity and sadness....... you live relive the humiliation, agony and just the wrong of the moment in your mind as if it's not a thing of the past but your absolute present and future. Not only that, every single such moment in your past life now piles on to this one, pulling you back into the abyss.


What am I talking about..... well, well wasn't that evident, I am talking about the professional world and its vagaries, and surviving in that world. As days pass, I become more and more disillusioned that I will ever be able to survive in this world. It lacks the personal touch for me :). I feel the world is suddenly made up of people judging other people's capabilities, assessing other's qualities with little consideration of what they themselves can or cannot achieve, and black-holing the victim's opportunities. It's about whether you can talk and present yourself with confidence and back them with the right arguments... in short it's turning out to be about everything I am not. I hate to give up but I don't know where to turn, whether to change myself and persist or find something with the personal touch :).