Tucson Dreams - the skit in the making

My golden anniversary post. (for the uninitiated - this happens to be my fiftieth post :) and I took 11 months to achieve it) .

With all due credit to the creative talents of the crew involved, please do not reproduce this in part or in whole without the xplicit consent of any one of the crew. Else we will feel liable to charge a copyright violation fee of $500 in cash or cheque or via credit card! :) Having said this, we have taken two scenes from a NCSU skit which was put up on Google videos. (A phone scene and a Rita scene.)

I had initially thought of adding comments but the skit has been so well documented that it needs no prompting from me. :) However , there are a few back-stage and on-stage incidents which did not make it in the documentation stage. I have included them if only for reminiscence. The first of these was Rahul's accident on the morning of the skit, he broke his leg. We missed having him as he was one of the narrators, plus one of the actors in the skit. If I randomize my guess, I think it was half an hour before the start of the function that the India club treasurer , Ravi accepted to help us out. And the rest we improvised.

I don't know how much you might identify with......but this is how we live out our grad lives and almost all the scenes are based on real-life incidents.

Tucson Dreams
Shashi Kiran Chilappagari
April 14, 2006

Cast and Crew
Archana, Jaikumar, Karthik, Niranjan, Preetha, Rahul, Sapna, Sarika, Shalini, Shashi, Shivram, Sunil

Scene 0: Introduction
What happens: Narrator introducing the plot and setting
We proudly present to you, the smash hit Fraudway musical “Tucson Dreams”- the story of a man in search of his destiny. This is the story of a man’s triumph over his surroundings, this is the story of every Indian abroad, this can as well be your story. So sit back and try to enjoy. If you cannot, then God help you.

Warning: If you are listening to this, this warning is for you. All the characters are real and any resemblance is intentional. Our aim is to offend as many people as we can and we consider ourselves successful if we can offend at least one person. If you are not offended, please see us after the show. We might think of something special for you.
Now, on to the show.
The time setting of the show is eternal. It has happened before, it is happening now as we talk and it will happen for years to come. So, let us just say that it is May now and there are many people back in India who have got admits here at the U of A. We will look at some of them.

Owing to the diversity of the Indian students here at U of A, it is almost impossible to fit a student into a stereotype. However, recent studies have shown that a grad student at the U of A is from Chennai, has studied in SRM or SVCE with probability 1/2 and if you address him as Mr.Krishnan, you are almost certain to get the first or last name right. So let us swoop down to Chennai and catch a couple of students there.

Scene 1: Coffee Day

What happens: Two students meeting at coffee day discussing admits
Music: (Tamil song - to be decided...Kottu dheekottu from Narasimha)

Here in the confines of coffee day at Nugambaakam, Chennai we see Mr. Anantharaman krishnan from SVCE and Mr.Manigantan Seturaman from SRM discussing their future plans.
Ananth: So you also got admit in U of A. Any aid or fellowship
Mani: no, macha. I wrote to all the professors in the department and no one replied.
Ananth: so you have any special area of interest like signal processing or VLSI
Mani: nothing da, whichever area has funding
**Narrator: You have just caught a glimpse what goes on in a grad student’s mind before he enters the US. Apart from trivial things like coursework, funding, area of research, he or she has to think of more important things like how much sambhar masala would be enough for one year.
(Ananth and Mani get up and are walking off stage)
Ananth: So when are you planning to leave for Tuk-son
Mani: Next Sunday da. I am planning to go to San Jose (pronounced as such and what everyone learns after coming to USA - the actual pronounciation is San-Ose) and visit some relatives there.
Ananth: Oh, I am on the same flight. See you at the airport!
Of course, one of the biggest concerns of an incoming desi student is exactly who will pick them up at the airport. Not to worry, the incoming students are in the safe hands of (PLAY SHOCKING MUSIC) the India club.

Scene 2: India club
What happens: IC members deciding on pickups
The IC has a five year plan in action for picking up students and arranging temporary accommodation. The committee members meet to decide on the logistics and every minute detail is worked out. The process is completely fair and reasonable.
Jai: (keeps reading out guys’ names, and gives sheets one by one to Rahul) **Karthik, Ananth, Manikantan, Vivek, Rahul, Kishore, Shiva, Srinivasan**
Trin Trin (phone ring)
On Phone: Hello sir, My good name is Srinivasan and I am at the tucson airport. Is someone coming to the airport to pick me up.
Niranjan: abbe koi banda airport se call kar raha hai, kya kare?
Jai: kuch tho bolo yaar
Niranjan: Actually, we are busy planning the pickups. Why dont you take a shuttle and come.
Jai: Ramu shamu, hey check this out man....Pooja, soumya, archana, preetha, sarika, shalini, radha, sada,
what ranganathan....you take this man..(giving it to Rahul) Lets get going man...good job.
Everyone exits.

Scene 3: Airport pickup
What happens: IC members going for pickup
Narrator: Now, back to our heroes. who are leaving their motherland and travelling across oceans in pursuit of their dreams.
tee titi tii tiitit ttiti (music in narrator's voice)
(They reach one end of the stage)
Narrator: Welcome to Tucson Intl airport. Flight IC 814 from India arrives 10 hours late.
(Karthik and Shivram walk onstage, totally transformed into cool dudes) (Hip hop music playing)
(Rahul stands waiting. He’s yawning, looks bored. K and S are totally excited).
Andy: hello sir, I am andy
Mani: hello sir I am Mani. Do you know the funding situation.
Rahul: Welcome to Tucson. Take your bags and come. (Walks off)
***Think of funny music - two guys fighting for a girl/some hot babe song types****
(Girls come on stage)***Funky Music..think hard perhaps music which has claps in it*** Niranjan and JK are totally excited now, waiting for them. Greet them all excited, and fight with each other to carry their bags.

Jise dhoondthaa ho mein har kahi
jo kabhi mili mujhe hai nahi
mujhe jiske pyaar par ho yaki
woh ladki hai kahaa
tee tit tit tit tee tit ti
Niranjan: Let me take your bags
JK: No no, let me
(JK tries to lift bags, Niranjan pushes him off)
Niranjan: You can’t lift those bags da. Let me handle it.
JK: Ok then. Carry them to my car. (To the girls) You know, I’m fully funded.
(Walk off)

Scene 4: Fundaes session
What happens: IC members going for pickup
The senior at the U of A is the epitome of a fatherly figure helping the clueless junior in every aspect varying from tips on cooking to helping the junior in deciding what courses to take. Of course, all without expecting anything in return. The overwhelmed junior does not know how to thank the senior. He can hardly believe that so much good can exist in this world.

Senior: I think you should look for an apt and open a bank account. Come on let me help you with those things
Junior: I really dont know how to thank you, sir. I really appreciate it.
Senior: come on no problem man, our seniors helped us so we are helping you. One small thing; when you open an account and find an apt they will ask who referred you. Just tell my name.
The new student is understandably homesick. So he buys a calling card and calls India. 1-800-375-4100
Sapna: Please press 1 for english . Para espaneol numero dos
Narrator: Hearing this Andy breaks down. JK sees this and asks him why he is crying
Andy; Sir, I bought a calling card to call India. The aunty on the other side says, press 1 for english and press 2 for spanish. I want to talk to my mother in Tamil sir...boo hooo...

Classroom Scene
What happens: Classroom scene
Narrator: With the preliminaries out of the way, the student sets out to the university eager to make new acquinatnces, ready to experience new culture, and explore life on an American campus.
(Karthik walks around, looks very impressed by everything around him).
Narrator: It is midday now, and the student is now on the lookout for food. His initial enthusiasm has been scorched by the Tucson sun, and he enters the nearest building.
(Karthik looks around, approaches librarian -Sarika)

Karthik: Excuse me, can I have a cheeseburger and one Pepsi please?
Librarian (looking angry): I’m sorry sir, this is a LIBRARY.
Karthik: Oh sorry. (Softly) Can I have a cheeseburger and one Pepsi please?
(Librarian points towards the exit)
(Karthik looks sad and walks out)
Narrator: Since the new desi student automatically multiplies any number by 46.44, finding food on campus is a tough optimization problem, with too many constraints. Thus our hero continues to wander on campus searching for food (think of a sad song to play)
***Sapaatu yetu ledu paatina padu brotheru***
(Music suddenly changes to a very upbeat tempo, and another students runs by him excitedly)
Niranjan (excited, shouting): Come on come on, free pizza in the Agriculture and Life Sciences Department!
(both run very excitedly)
(Bunch of Indian students standing and eating pizza)
(Niranjan says hi to many people around him)
(Prof walks around)
Prof: Thank you for coming to my lecture on ’The role of scavengers in the Eco-balance’
Niranjan: Oh it was brilliant sir, I wouldn’t have missed it for anything
(Prof walks off)
Karthik (confused): So what is going on here? Are you in this department?
Niranjan: We are in all departments man. Take one more pizza.
Narrator: Now that our hero’s hunger has been satistfied, he can now go for his first class with full enthusiasm. The new student is always a little apprehensive about the classroom environment. Will he be able to fit in? Will he be able to understand the accents? Can he relate to the unfamiliar faces around him? It is with these questions that he enters the classroom expecting to see it full of Americans.
** Same Tamil music playing in the background***
*** Everyone talking in Tamil, greeting him ***

Socialising scene
Indians have a reputation for being bookworms. As all of you know, this is completely false. We are known for being party hounds and social animals. At any American party you can see a lot of Indians hiding in the corners. Guys are known to pick up girls with lot of ease and we shall direct your attention at one excellent example of a desi student in action
*** English music playing ***

Jai; Excuse me, what is your name
Sapna: Rita
Jai: Rita ji, ek haseena ke liye yeh naa cheez pesh kartaa hai yeh shayari
Mein tere pyar mein paagal hu rita
Mein tere pyar mein paagal hu rita
if and only if sintheta/costheta=tantheta *****************

India club scene
Narrator: At this point in the show, we would like to pause for a minute and dedicate a segment to the India Club, without whose support, this farce would not have been possible. What happens behind the closed doors of the India Club is a matter of much speculation, and not much is known about this very dynamic and creative organization. Please keep in mind that the following reenactment is just a wild guess at what goes on in the Fight Club. Oh sorry, the India Club.
(Fast music - Mortal Kombat, people acting like they’re fighting)
(Need to fix fight sequence, make it funny)
(Music suddenly changes to Shakalya baby (try to rerecord it))

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the president of the India Club!
Kishore: Stop your discussions people, we need to decide on Spring Fling by this evening.
******************************************

This was where the mikes gave up on us. And there were shouts of stopping and changing the mike as the jokes could not be heard. With all the actors on stage, and in the middle of the confusion, Shashi shouted out "freeze" and all of us on stage froze in place. He followed that with "rewind" and all the actors immediately did the best of rewind actions to the previous scene. And all this was impromptu.

******************************************

Guys (winking at each other): Heena stall
(Music slowly buils up, Mehndi hai rachne wali)
Girls: No no, we need to do something exciting and new. It must be original and thrilling. It must be totally mindblowing
(Guys yawning)
Narrator: Five hours later
(Music is now louder)
Kishore: Hey ok, the mail has to go out in two minutes.
Everyone: Ok, henna stall! Yay!
(Song - Mehndi lage ke rakna, everyone dances off)

Haircut scene
Narrator: Many months have now passed, we shall now take another look at our heroes (think of how to show long hair). They have found a new sense of fashion, and have also saved hundreds of dollars. All by avoiding haircuts for the past year.
Only one thing can make a desi spend money on haircuts.
The job interview.

Career Services
(K & S, carrying a big sack full of resumes)
(Looking very enthu)
(Go to a stall, resume in hand)
Person at the stall: F1 student? Next please!
(Keep going to stalls, same respone, people at stalls point to other stalls)
(K & S look very dejected)
Naa koi umang hai
Naa koi tarang hai
mere zindagi hai kyaa
ek kati patang hai

Niranjan and JK walk in looking very cool.

Niranjan: Why so sad man?
Shivram: What thale, no one’s taking our resumes
JK: What man, you came to the career fair to get a job? (N and JK laugh hysterically)
Niranjan: Follow us
(They go to a stall, person giving long speech about Tucson Police Dept)
Person at stall: Welcome gentlemen. The tucson police department is looking for strong, dynamic and energetic young people. You get to be part of PD is ..... (think of a funny speech)
Niranjan (looks very interested): Oh, fantastic. I see. Oh. Aha.
Person: Is there anything you would like to ask me?
Niranjan: Where are the T-shirts?
(Everyone takes T-shirts and they go off looking happy)
(Niranjan stops and realises something, goes back to stall)
Person at stall: Same speech...Midway, realises Niranjan’s been there before
Person: Have I seen you before sir?
Niranjan: Ah yes, I’m actually L, but I picked up an M shirt.
(Person looks sad, Niranjan walks off looking happy)
Person: Hey atleast give back the other t-shirt man!

Final Scene
Narrator: And this is how it came to pass, that in the spring of 2006, a change was in progress. The old stalwarts found new jobs, and moved on. Where are they now?
(Funky music - Kannada for Ninja/JK?)
(They walk on stage, full attitude)
JK: Very few people are lucky enough to work on a product that they have used to such a great extent, especially to solve their assignments. JK now works at Google, where he searches for the meaning of life. Narrator: Niranjan is now a highly succesful programmer with Microsoft. Any new bugs in future Microsoft products are mostly because of him. Rahul is now a PhD student who has taken upon himself the onus of heading the India club ably assisted bythe young blood Andy and Mani.
In this ever changing world India club remains as one reassuring constant and these three guys will make sure that the Tucson Dreams still goes on.
(Play some music)

Epilogue
If you have not realized yet, the show is over. All auience are requested to stand and applaud and show their appreciation by generously contributing tomatos and onions. Please note that we do not accept any frozen vegetables. Do not throw the vegetables at random. Form a line and wait for your turn. If you have not got tomatos, there is a stall outside selling vegetables and we have some discount coupons here. Now to the cast;
Andy played by Karthik Shyam
Mani played by Shivram Mani
JK, Niranjan and Rahul as seniors
Archana, Preetha, Shalini, Sapna and Sarika as the girls
Sunil the publicity manager
Shashi as the narrator