Missing...

I am not a cooking person. For as long as I can remember, I have always avoided going into the kitchen. All I knew was to sit and wait at the dinner table when I was hungry while Maa would toil away at the kitchen. That too, there were times when I was a regular go-to-sleep-when-the- clock-strikes-9, and only a whole lot of scolding would ever get me out of bed after I had drifted off. So it is not surprising, I was not equipped to survive on my own in Hyderabad.
Vishnupriya turned out quite my opposite. She had helped her mother out a lot in the kitchen and knew the nuances of when the masala should be added, how much the ladies finger should be fried, what is the measure of rice is to water, how many whistles before the cooker should be switched off. Our Hyderabad lunch and dinners were small thoroughfares (I hope that is the correct word.) We would have steaming rice, a curry dish like sambaar or dhal and a vegetable side-dish which would inevitably be one of beans,ladies fingers, potato fries , paneer, egg scrambled, and curd to end it off. I would ofcourse always add sugar to my curd which gave Vishnu no end of amusement I guess. :)

So , its not that I ever have enjoyed cooking. But somehow it has always been the perfect thing for me to unwind always. And at the end, sitting down to steaming bowls of food in front of me, cooked by me ....seemed the perfect way to end the working day. Sitting down meant literally sitting down on a chatai on the floor as we did not have chairs or tables in our Hyderabad home. I think I have mentioned this before, but we had a long hall , at one end was an open verandah overlooking Hitech city and the sunset and on the other the entrance door overlooked the hills and Fine Arts Gallery and the sunrise. Once you kept both the verandah and the door open, you would imagine there was a mini-gale blowing through our house.

Well why the sudden reminiscing.....when I cook now (and I do not cook very often) and I am alone like on a sultry afternoon like today, I end up revisiting so many memories and experiences and reliving them. And it never ceases to make me wonder that cooking still gives me the sense of achievement it did back in Hyd. :) As if I have mastered something and that is irrespective of whether salt became more or the sabji was too watery or that I usually cook everything the same way.

I finished Memoirs of a Geisha today. I had made up my mind to do it. An interesting read but then again there were many things I did not agree with. For quite some time, (actually till I reached the end of the book), I was under the impression it was a true story and a book read, thinking the incidents have really happened is very different from a book read knowing its a story.
But all in all, I know that every book, (like every experience) leaves a part of it with you after you are done with it. It does not matter how small that part is. You have assimilated, imagined, experienced ...and have grown since you first picked up the book. (Very very philosophical!) Well my whole point is, for some moments after I have replaced the book and walked out of its life....... the effect still lingers for sometime and it feels like being in a trance. There are so many what ifs ....what if this had not happened or some other turn had been taken , how would it have been different. There have been not many books that have made me laugh out loud or cry out loud for that matter. Sarat Chandra's stories have always succesfully brought me to tears whether at the happy ending or the sad. I remember tears rolling down on to the pillow when I read Parineeta in bengali for the first time for the sheer innocence of the story. The other book which I remember kept me reeling for long after was Gone with the Wind. I have never felt totally changed and mature after reading a book as I did after reading this one. It seemed like being a totally different person.
Ofcourse books are not always about crying. P.G.Wodehouse brought me laughter through reading. Who would have thought a pig called Empress, Lord Emsworth and his castle called Blandings would be the source of so much entertainment. Equally entertaining, and I still smile when I think of the book.......was Three men in a boat. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend it. It had me in splits.

With books, and cooking...whats next!! :) Well for some days now, I have been wanting to go to a temple. And somehow, the Kali temple in Kolkata where I have had some of the most amazing coincidences if you will, the REC temple which gave company in all my solitude ............ somehow I have been missing it a lot , maybe I was just looking for somewhere to draw strength from or the reassurance that everything will be all right. (Like the fairytale endings of books.) The other thing I have been missing are my salwar suits. I have grown so bored of wearing jeans and tshirts all day , all week all month. I cannot remember ever saying I was bored of my salwar suits. The chiffon dupattas , and the colors and fabrics would be a sight for sore eyes if I could just get back to them once more. But for all that .................I guess a trip home is long pending and till then I just have to keep on missing these and much more.

Book stores and back to books .....

I had been forming this post in my mind thruout the day , adding and trying to remember bits and pieces now , then , here , there ....... with the effect that there were a myriad of topics I had included. But I fell asleep in the middle with the effect that I have to start off on a clean slate. Bcoz once I get up from sleeping, neither my mood is the same nor are the things in the same perspective (read over-exaggerated!!).
I have discovered a corner , and a book which manages to draw me back everyday. Considering that I was out in touch with books for nearly six months, its a big achievement for me. Thanks to Mithra that I first thought of getting my hands on the book "Memoirs of a Geisha". And so far it has not disappointed me. Best of all, I get to sit among books and read the book , with a crisp new cover ........ :)...the corner I have found to read in is in the University book store. I love it bcoz I can sit there in total anonymity, (just another nobody), I love the corner in the book-store (which I now regard as my corner)..... I ofcourse love the book.....its about a girl's struggle through life. There are many things to read and laugh about and many things to not agree with in the book. But its interesting and keeps you waiting.......... to know what happens next. Ok i guess I am going round and round in cycles.
Two movies down , Love actually - was not good at all. I think only Hugh Grant's name made me get it. It was about ten love stories reaching their climax in London. The other movie was Elizabethtown. That was also an ok movie for me - but Orlando Bloom was out of this world. :) He made the movie very enjoyable. But the movie had some very interesting pieces of thought - Kirsten Dunst on hearing Orlando talk about how he was a failure says :"Ok so you failed, you failed you failed you failed .....so what! ...... What is great is when you face upto it and still smile, so that people wonder why you are still smiling." I thought that was a beautiful thought.....bcoz it gives you a feeling of power that you alone are the master of your life.

One of my best investments so far was my Ipod. I am glad my brother asked for it , and I am even happier that I didn't send it :)(selfishly). All the way while coming back from Univ, then while trying to make a simple alu fry which backfired....with music and thoughts of the book i guess I was smiling throughout and after a long time ...I was enjoying my company :)...................I don't know where the feeling of euphoria came from ....maybe the realisation that I didn't need external factors to be happy was satisfying..........well atleast for sometime.

A hidden world......

Everybody has a set of goals and dreams they want to achieve. This may range from the amount of money they want to make to the place they want to settle in to a house for themselves with a convertible parked in front.............in short a wish-list of where they should be or what they should have done by such and such a time.
There is (and I want to believe this for everyone) a list of things which we have seen or heard and they appeal to us so much that we put them on a dream-list. They are the ones which begin with the words "I want to para-glide someday.......I wish I could own a horse someday". A crazy fantasy world of things which we wish we could believe would come true , but we have a line in that belief which leans more towards disbelief and so they stay just like that ........ as wishes. :) The former set was something we have to do and achieve and it is solely dependent on us. The second is what life decides to give us or bring across our way.

I guess I am not making much sense at all. :) So be it!! I have a wish-list too ...(I can just hear you say, ahh now you tell us, this was the point you were tryingto get at for so long :)....yes you are right!!) My wishlist includes sitting cross-legged on top of a mountain ........blue mountains covered with snow which infringe on a green valley. The valley slopes steeply in front of me and there are trees with overhanging boughs over where I sit. It would be great if the mountains were the Kanchenjunga , becoz there are no other mountains which have made me fall in love at first sight.
I also want to own a horse someday. Not own , ride, with the wind racing past us ......... galloping trotting , running and racing. A brown horse with a star on his head (this is probably due to the influence of Dreamer which I saw today evening.) But when I ride him, I want us both to fly and to watch the scenery go racing past us. I have often wondered especially in some of the last few days........ when a deer runs, it can have all four of its feet it the air at the same time. When a horse runs , how many legs are in the air ? (:) can I hear grumbling at the amount of rambling I do). But I am sure you will agree with me there is quite nothing as beautiful as watching the horse run free. Do you remember Gandolf's white horse come racing in LOTR! Something like that and something so beautiful.
Now let me see, what else do I want to do. I want to sail and surf as well. And to do it deftly so that I don't end up swallowing salt-water everytime a large wave comes by.

Why the sudden wishlists ! Well I happened to see the movie Dreamer . It stars Dakota Fanning and Kurt Russell and is a childrens' movie and if you are the kind who is reading and thinking ooohhhhh god!! not again , its probably not meant for you. It shows the world through the optimistic eyes of a child and how hope is so easy to come by and yet so hard. It plays two worlds side-by-side and the best part ends happily ....... :) but it leaves you wishing you could ride a horse to glory so that "the heavens might open up and grounds shake under your feet"..... and the sweet smell of victory , of battles won rise up to greet you.
Winning can become an addiction.

I have never talked to Bruno as if he could understand me ....(ok !! now this girl has gone crazy. :) ) But I have seen my mother do so and Bruno reciprocate with understanding, with anger, with confusion ......each of the emotions written as plainly on his face as they are on ours. The only time I have felt helpless in trying to make him understand (becoz all I would ever do was doggy talk to him) was when I would hug him and cry to him and he would become agitated seeing my tears. Maybe one day I will be able to make him understand and understand him without resorting to doggy talk.
And one day I shall own a horse and race him across green fields..........:)

I know I have a tendency to overly romanticize things and catch on to anything which gives me a break or flight from the reality of today and tomorrow and yesterday ...... but then the day I stop dreaming I don't think I will be young anymore. .......... or have a neverland I can fly to........ whenever I want.

From the lion's den.....

The title has no link whatsoever with the rest of the post unless I compare Microsoft with the lion. Well , after a sumptuous Italian dinner I was all ready to turn in but then sleep doesn't seem to be coming easy today. (So I probably have become nocturnal finally......)
I faced the famous Microsoft interview today. It was every bit as interesting for me as it was I am sure ..."boring and frustrating " for the interviewer. I managed a solution to the question asked but inspite of hints from him, could not hit upon an efficient solution. I probably deserve to be kicked for this, but it was the same question which was asked in yesterday's interview to others and I had been lazy enough (maybe scared ...whenever I am scared I have a tendency of burying my head in the sand like the ostrich) not to prepare it and go.
The question was simple, sorting a colored balls array so that all the like colors are grouped together. And ofcourse, it was fun for me because at every step the interviewer would make it one step tougher, by increasing the number of colors , or reducing the memory available. :) It was as dynamic as I have heard and read Microsoft interviews are and......I messed it up.
The experience was worth it but I wasn't worth the interview :).....and well it happened that Sudhir gave his job-treat today. Hence the great Italian food and my first Lasagna...(pronounced lasagnia).

Two days back, I made Reliance very happy by expunging(I am hoping expunge is the correct word in this context) my phone bill. I caught up with a lot of friends in India. One thing it did make me feel............ I am happy to be doing what I am doing ...pursuing my Master's. I am lucky to be doing it and I am proud that I have a great family who support me throughout. Kind of like one of the Oscar speeches eh!, .............and yes in a way it probably speaks of my selfishness in not giving up my interests.

What could be a better example than throwing tantrums at home to get a pet dog, ending up buying my golden retriever Bruno when I was in Class 9, spending only three years at home after that and literally dumping him on my mom after that and leaving for my Bachelor's, job and now Master's. When I see him on my web-cam and his golden brown coat which becomes a dark chocolate in winter - I know what I am missing and I know that I will never be able to bring this back - the time that I am not spending with him......at home. Bruno deserves a whole chapter to himself and I don't want this to be the one. Unless you have a pet in your house, you won't realize how easily they steal your heart. They have this way of becoming a part of your lives by unconditionally loving you. And that makes things harder.
Sometimes its really hard to weigh the balance, is it worth it , staying so far away and working towards a dream, not being able to spend time with the people you most want to........................
that is something I will always envy my friends in India for............... and somehow I wish I could put everything together. But that is never possible is it!
Home-sick suddenly ...yes , I guess Bruno was the cause. :)

Addicted

Yesterday I listened to the song "Etho Onuru" around a dozen times. So much so, I think my room-mate Shalini thought I was going crazy. I had a zillion things to do and somehow no interest in starting any of them .........so it was an episode of f.r.i.e.n.d.s . It was one of the early episodes where Rachel comes to know that Ross loves her and goes to the airport to receive him and tell him that she too loves him. But meanwhile Ross has found himself a friend from his conference in China ....the episode ends with Rachel waiting with a bouquet and smiling thoughts and the song by Madonna , having the words "I've always been in love with you [always with you]I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]You took my love for granted, why oh whyThe show is over, say good-byeSay good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye". Then it took quite a bit of googling to bring up the actual song which is called "Take a bow" by the way.

Coming to "googling", its amazing how life now depends on it. I am sure we will have the motto "For everything there is Google" soon (if not already). No, I am not advocating for Google.....:) just that some things among others have changed so.

Ok that totally eludes/punts on why Etho Onuru. The first thing that the song reminds me is of sitting in a packed REC auditorium, and one of the Music Troupe guys singing it so beautifully that I was sure I would never forget the song. Between then and now, has been a considerable gap and the song bridged it for a moment. It bridged and brought back so many things .............the potpourri of characters that made up REC, the love stories, the enemities.......
They say College days are the best days of your life. I could never agree more.
There have been so many times that we didn't need a reason to go crazy. The best part was whenever you went crazy, you could be sure people would be a sport and join in. So it was that playing hide and seek,ping pong, murderer after class , wearing the same colored dresses to college ........... playing a song rewinding and playing it again , sitting and talking about nothing through the night under a star lit sky, trying to decipher if one of us had actually fallen in love......... had become the norm.
There were so many surmises then and thinking about whether it was possible or not and from where I stand now, I can see how many of those surmises worked positively or negatively. Given the flat landscape of time today , I am sure there are many decisions that many people would have or would not have taken under star lit skies on hostel roof tops.
But for all that I miss those days so. I miss going crazy, I miss talking to Sheeba and Tulika and .... and for all that I think I should stop listening to songs which bring back the addiction and fun of going crazy.