The day that I finished, maybe (but hopefully/un-hopefully (not sure at this point what I want!!)) the last exam of my life, I was so confused by what I felt. Happy and sad at the same time, what on earth is that feeling called ? :) I had a presentation due the next day but that was like the last thing on my mind. (notice the extra use of "like", now my lingo has been "like" that for sometime and I think I repeat myself from a previous post here). Ok , so I am right now, in this good mood, because I suddenly found friend(s) with whom I share a lot (like knowing Sharukh's dialogues by heart :), ok so maybe we WERE immature :)). There also seem to be friends in my life who can talk with me exactly like I did with Sheeba .... through analogies to the real problem, so that we solve the problem without even going into details. :) (Abstract??)
They seem to have germinated overnight, and I don't know when I came to share so much with them.
My mother will probably kill me for the above sentences, considering that day in and day out I have poured out my complaints, grumbling, cribbing, crying about Tucson and being friendless to her. Every time she would say, thats what happened in Trichy. When its time to leave you will feel bad. Correction: I don't feel bad about leaving, I like the place but that's it. First time in my life that I have not built ties to a place. (Please don't tell me its not the place but your attitude that matters. To my scatterbrained head its the place, always, with which I associate my experiences.)
Tucson taught me a lot, it taught me to speak up when I don't want to put up with something. It taught me its very important to have people in your life whom you love and who love you and some of them should be there within listening distance and same time zones :). You should have friends on the same mobile service as you are (to avoid wasting minutes) and willing to give you company when you walk home alone after late night lab sessions. :) Its very nice to receive but its even more fun planning the giving for other people and seeing their faces light up on seeing the surprise (I have hardly done that here, but I have experienced it first hand in Hyderabad and hope to revive the tradition before leaving Tucson.)
Today was Ramya's bridal shower, the first one I have ever attended but it was a whole lot of fun. (It was very interesting to find out that a wedding or your wedding is the least about you and mostly about people like family, relatives and in-laws. :) considering that I or for that matter all the girls I have ever known would have always planned or dreamt about how they would want their wedding to be...... from the color of their sari , to the chandan (sandal paste) design on their faces to the menu to the guests.... picking up details from all weddings ever attended. And how ironic that when your time comes, you might just be a mute observer.) All the games were about the bride to be and the wedding and I enjoyed seeing so much creativity. I think I will force my friends to throw me a bridal shower when I am about to get married. :)
Funny, how when you are in a good mood , everything can be seen from the lighter side. I wish I could hold on to it. (Inspite of the fact that I royally ruined my presentation...... I could literally see other students sleeping in front of me.)
I will be glad to be on my own. Apart from the fact that its a big change, its the first time I might have my own apartment, and furnish it the way I want. Not first but some time that I will be try to get accustomed to a new city all on my own and live a life for sometime atleast all on my own, for myself, by myself. :) It will be fun, atleast for sometime till I get bored of it.
Ok my good mood is wearing off, and so is my songlist on YouTube, so I had better wind up fast. This is the umpteenth time I am listening to "Chehra hai yaa" and my room-mate is also throwing quizzical glances at me.
p.s: I went back and read some of my own older posts, and I found myself so much better and positive than an endless saga of crib/crib/crib. :) Maybe I should just grow young again. :)
9 comments:
Congratulations on finishing your final exams. You did seem happy and light hearted in your post (-:
In your post you talk about something, which I have thought about. What is that about us that makes us attached to a place? Is it the amenities or comforts a place provides? Is it the people one interacts with? Is it the money one can earn or the opportunities to pursue one's own passion ? I think the reason is probably all of the above. Yet, reading your posts, it seems maybe you are not very sure yet, as to whether you like Tuscon or not. Reading your last few posts carefully, I couldn’t help but observe the recurring talk about Tuscon and how much you want to leave that place, as if some part of you still needs some convincing to let go off the attachments you have built with the city. There is some part of you which still feels a pull, some part which still needs reasoning on your part to help it break away from its shackles. Have you thought that when you say “First time in my life that I have not built ties to a place,” it maybe just another self-justification for your feelings. Otherwise, I doubt if anyone else needs any convincing. Again this is pure conjecture and I might be very well mistaken.
The human psyche is often very complex, since the only instrument we can use to look at our minds is our minds itself. Most of the time we do not like change (be it social, political, religious or personal) and would try our best to resist it even when we consciously feel the need. We like our comfort zones so much that stepping out of it may give us the jitters. I have noticed that often when we feel the need to keep to ourselves and not make friends or reach out to others, its because we cannot open ourselves to the possibility that there may be people whom we can trust with our thoughts and lives. Maybe it’s because, our faith and trust has been betrayed in the past and we cannot open ourselves up again. Maybe we have been influenced by people, albeit incorrectly, of how people in professional environments are or should be. Maybe we are still holding onto our old friends, old memories, old experiences of mutual love and respect and think that as long as we have those friends, we don’t need to reach out to others. Maybe we feel that making new friends would make demands on our time and energy, something which again needs some convincing on our part. Maybe, we are waiting for the perfect friend who would make us feel cared and loved again. Who knows? There may be other reasons as well. But the interesting thing about it is that, unless we ourselves reach out to others, or open up part of ourselves, it becomes a difficult endeavor to form those ties of friendship again. It’s quite like the action of walking. Have you ever wondered what would happen if both of our two legs fought with each other and tried to convince the other to take the first step. Without one of them actually taking the first step, we will never be able to move an inch. One leg would always have to start, always have to make the first move. Some may call it a compromise, but we have to judge for ourselves what is the better alternative – progress or immobility.
Anyway, good observation on friends and the fact that bridal showers are about others. Also, I can see that you are ready to settle in Seattle. I have heard good things about it and it’s a beautiful city. I hope you can enjoy your new life in a new city with your new found independence.
:) I could not help but smile at reading your comments. It is true that when we have to encounter a change, while something in us looks forward to it, something in us also dreads the change out of the idea of being disappointed that one might not get everything one expects.(You are correct that nobody other than me needs convincing on having to leave Tucson:)) It is true that when we hold back it is more bcoz we have been hurt in the past and our trying to guard ourselves from being hurt again or holding on to past memories which we think should suffice for life.I found your analogy on walking very interesting. I wonder why you don't have a blog of your own, since you have so many ideas/thoughts yourself and express them really well.
To continue, it is also true that nowhere in my blog have I mentioned 21st May or Carmel and I wondered where those came from ? :)
But I really appreciate your taking the time to read the sentimental drivel of some "stranger" :) and trying to actually make sense out of it and also trying to actually understand and solve them. Thanks!!
I haven't commented in a while...but someone I know once told me that change was the only thing constant in life:) and I'm sure you know who that someone was:)
I wish we had spent more quality time together here in Tucson. But I've always felt that the time we did spend was valuable and we were able to pick up where we left off. I hope we can continue to keep that bond going even after you move:)
It was so great to have you at the shower. Really meant a lot! glad you had fun:) and I'll definitely throw you a shower when the time comes;) and as much as you say you're ready to tie the knot...here's a piece of advice;) enjoy your time single!!! there's nothing like it:) do everything you've dreamed of and don't leave a stone unturned. Who knows what life has in store!!!
2 things:
Mr/Miss(?!?) qq- the case about walking is most brilliantly stated.Thank you for pointing it out!!:-)
And didi..if you are "like"..um.. then I will be "like"..really uncharitable about it...:-)
And regarding ties to places-I think we fool ourselves when we think that way.Its the ties to the people in those places....take all my friends in India and put them in College Station-well,then it all changes doesnt it..?
And incidentally-hail Cingular!!:-)
shriram
The first part was a bit confusing (in an abstract sense :)) but thats just me. From whatever my tiny brain could comprehend, you seem to be in a situation that an aspiring graduating student would be (job or more school?). I was at this juncture at some point in time and had sought some outside help. Among the many articles that I encountered I had found a couple of them interesting and informative, written by professors themselves about the ideology of a doctoral path. I thought of sharing these with you if you are still thinking about whether to bother taking more courses anytime ahead (hopefully they are at least an interesting read):
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~harchol/gradschooltalk.pdf
http://www.cs.ucsb.edu/~mturk/PhD-notes.html
About ties to a place: its probably unfair to claim that you can sever all ties to a place. With the aid of a concept from your own field (just for fun!), ties are like undirected graphs. The links are bidirectional and the cost associated with a link is the same in both directions. You cannot claim to have broken all your ties with a place (= buildings, mountains, stones, rock,....and maybe people :)) ignoring entities on the other side of the links. They might have established a bonding with you. Hope your remaining days at your place are fun than ever!
p.
I didn't realize u had posted a reply to my comment. I don't always check the comments section as you hardly ever respond to them ( which I must admit is a little rare in the blogging community) . So here are my replies...
"I wonder why you don't have a blog of your own, since you have so many ideas/thoughts yourself and express them really well."
Thank You for your compliments. It was very kind of you to say so. Who knows maybe I do have a blog (I said maybe (-:). I don't consider myself to be a good writer and definitely not as good as you. Sometimes I don't even like what I write. Frankly, you write so well that on a scale of 1-10 if you find yourself at 8/9, you will surely find me hanging from the tail of 2 or 3, and if someone ever gave me a 4, I would probably become his/her bonded laborer for life ;-). I wish I had your fluid and vivid style of writing, but unfortunately I don't.
"To continue, it is also true that nowhere in my blog have I mentioned 21st May or Carmel and I wondered where those came from ? :)"
Yes, I know, and those weren't exactly keyboard induced accidents !! Maybe someday I can tell you (-:
"But I really appreciate your taking the time to read the sentimental drivel of some "stranger" :) and trying to actually make sense out of it and also trying to actually understand and solve them. Thanks!! "
The pleasure was all mine and glad that I could be of some use, if at all. Btw, I realized that I have been giving a lot of unsolicited advice and suggestions to a 'stranger' and sometimes I think that 'stranger' may not even find those palatable. I just hope I am not encroaching on someone's privacy too much and my sincere apologies if I have. Maybe next time I will just mail my comments..no... just kidding!! :D..my guess is you wouldn't like it
au revoir then Ms. Chatterjee...till your next post..
Congratulations !!!...Hope you enjoy the Commencement and the last few days in Tuscon..these are precious moments..!
Thanks :) Yes being finally done .. wow !! I can still, hardly believe that I no longer belong here... no classes, no courses, no assignments :).
hahaha...well said. You sounded euphoric.
I know, I had gone through the same feeling once. Assignments were the best part of not being in school. No more days with 4 hrs of sleep, no more skipping lunches to complete assignments. But you know, a few years from now you will look back and reminisce and probably cherish these memories. No matter how much one may like the fact that all is over one soon realizes that school had a fun of it's own.
Btw, I thought you were planning to go for PhD. So maybe it's not all over yet (-:
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