THIS AND THE OTHER NIGHT
When he saw her in the party, the first thing that struck him was that it had hardly taken him a second to recognize her. Even though the last time he had seen her was probably fifteen years ago … in the college graduation party.
He watched her from where he was standing for a few more seconds. In between the interrupting and unending stream of party revelers he could see that she still had that ease of making herself comfortable in any place new. The way she caressed her drink, the way she whisked her hair as if it was really long and not just shoulder-length, her guilty childishness which in those days would have everybody falling in love with her….including him. No, she hadn’t changed.
He walked up to her and unwilling to interrupt the ongoing conversation, politely cleared his throat. She turned, and a slight frown of recognition creased her brow before a smile followed on her lips. “Anci, and fancy meeting you here” , she said warmly shaking his hand. But behind her obvious delight at seeing him, he could sense a faint trace of uneasiness.
He smiled to himself that uneasy was the last thing they had been in each other’s company in college. Being the most talked about pair, there was hardly a weekend they had not spent together. They had been so comfortable in their own company ….. and with each other. Neither his friends nor hers had ever had any doubt that this was one couple destined to be together. Then what had gone wrong … or right …
He brought himself back to the present “Got a few minutes to spare?” he asked her. “Ofcourse”, she smiled and politely excused herself from her immediate circle. As she followed him out to the verandah, carefully skirting around the now almost all intoxicated guests, she shot him a question to start off the conversation.
“So what have you been upto all these years?” the hint of uneasiness and surprisingly unfamiliarity, was back in her voice, As if she was trying to fit into a long forgotten groove.
“Not much really”, he replied with his casual air, trying to make himself audible over the blare of the loud music. “After my MBA, got a job abroad. Now settled here in California, and you?”
“I joined an art course, after working for a year. The Art Academy organized a tour of some of the most famous art galleries in the world. This is our last stop. We will be here for nearly a month before returning to India.”
He couldn’t help wondering whether she would be having any grudges against him. After all, contact had been broken off so suddenly. He had got into his MBA course, and she had somehow ceased to matter in his life. The endless telephone calls of college life had seemed more like a burden. And then…his irritation, when asked about the long gaps. Finally the intervals had stretched, until one had never quite ended.
As he looked at her, now trying to make small talk about classmates and their present careers, he felt a pang of emptiness in his life. What if…..
He had actually never proposed, and she had never tied him down. Sort of like when you know that words fall short of describing what you share. Strange that he should now feel empty without her. Maybe somewhere, she had actually mattered more to him than he had thought. Strange that seeing her after all these years should make him remember… what her absence had made him forget.
“Married?” the question was directed at him. He replied with, “What about you?” It was as if the acceptance of this one word would seal the betrayal, and each one wanted the other to go first.
“Not yet”, she replied, turning her face away to the city lights, and leaning further out, over the railing.
“But isn’t it already pretty late for you…you must be what ..around thirty five” and then immediately stopped himself. He colored at his words, which he had flung out without even thinking.
She smiled wryly back at him “You are not supposed to ask a girl’s age, didn’t you know!!…. You are still the college student I remember, not changed a bit”, her eyes twinkled but they were misting with memories….he couldn’t say whether painful or not.
He tried to change the topic, “My parents are in India and they keep writing to me to come back, but my wife will not hear of it. Actually once you get used ….”
“Oh…so when did you get married?” her face was again turned away. There was a pause.
He turned to face her and said “About two years ago, she studied in the same MBA institute and …”
“Ofcourse”, she said now turning to face him as well, and smiling as if the pieces had just clicked.
“Its not like you think….Smita”, he said suddenly, defensively. “It was an arranged marriage”.
She didn’t reply for quite sometime. He, exasperated with himself for his outburst, emptied his drink in a single gulp and stared at the other corner of the verandah, as far away from her as possible. The party was still on in full swing and he could see through the open windows the dancing couplets, in each other’s arms.
“You know Anci, many a times in life a relationship doesn’t work out. It doesn’t matter that it didn’t work out. What matters is whether you are hiding from the fact that there was no commitment. Anyway it doesn’t matter, harboring hurt never brought anyone happiness and….”
Her words trailed off in mid-sentence as he felt a nudge at his arm and looking back saw his wife.
“Its pretty late,I think we should be leaving”, his wife whispered to him in a very audible voice.
“Smita… my wife”, he introduced them, pointing at each other in turn.
“Nice to meet you”, Smita shook her hand, “and all the best to both of you”. She raised her glass as if proposing a drink, then turned and slowly walked back to the room to join her friends. Anci stared after her for a few seconds, before turning to his wife. He remembered it had been a party like this in his final MBA year… when he had proposed to his wife.
And I thought …
Is it she? Yes its her… its been such a long time, years I should say, but a flash of hers in front of me was enough to dilute the years. Suddenly the dull party seems different, and in a queer way, so familiar to the college graduation party… probably because that’s where I saw her last.
I couldn’t help looking at her with undivided attention, didn’t realise how long I had been watching her… my spell got broken by the sudden announcement made by the host. I guess it was about the host’s engagement, but my mind was not into the party, instead it was experiencing flashes of the past, about her, her eyes, her hair, her hands, her palm, the back of her palm, her slender fingers, her flowing robes … I said to myself – “she must have changed by now”. I drifted into doing something, which I used to do so often in the graduation phase of my life… our lives. I remember the first time I noticed her, it was a warm sunny day and a sleep inducing class in progress. The teacher happened to ask a question to the class, I was anyway oblivious to it … till I heard a voice answer it. It wasn’t the sweetest of voice, neither was it jarring enough to wake me from my slumber, but there was something distinct, something which made my head turn, probably it was the way she spoke… that’s when I first observed her. And didn’t realize how and when I slipped into a habit of observing her. Of course it wasn’t as if I was staring at her all the time, nobody would had even figured out that I used to ‘observe’ anything except the books of Physics. But I soon mastered the art of observing, and I would often notice subtle things about her, the way she waved her hand when she spoke, the way she would remove the hair falling on her face, the floral patterns on the handkerchief clutched in her hand, the way she tilted her head when she wrote, the way she would hold the pen, the way she would respond when called by name, the way she would place her bag when she would sit, the way she looked at her answer scripts after the exams, the way she would sometimes look out of the window to see the lush lawns outside, the way she would hold a test tube in the chemistry lab, the way she would drink water from the cooler, and of course, the way she would smile back when someone smiled at her.
I was again observing her at a distance, this time, I wasn’t observing in the same sense, I was trying to figure out the extent of change in her. There she was, at ease, cheerful and cherubic, sporting a smile every few moments. Has she changed?
I was in deep thought, then I decided to walk up to her. I stood just a few feet away from the group, unable to decide what to say – should I call out her name? It’s been years my lips have spelt out her name, and I felt lightening struck. It used to be the word I loved the most, her name that is. It used to be a pleasure to say it out, and here I am, years down the line, with a lump in my throat and all knotted up. I have a feeling that god couldn’t see my plight any more, and made her turn. “Oh Hi ____, where have you been!?”, she gushed. I was strangely comatose, and she had to literally take up my hand for a customary handshake. I had started feeling a bit conscious….of what? of the past? of her? And I could sense it in her too … I had always been able to comprehend what she is thinking, how she is feeling. Don’t know how, maybe cause I observed her so much, it was second nature to me to read her mind.
I tried to smile, putting up a fake one. And I knew, that she knew, I was trying to fake it. She used to often tease me of being pathetic at bluff. I guess more than me, it was she who could read my mind. I tried to say something, but couldn’t decide what to say, stark contrast from the days, when we used to talk of everything under the sun. Hours used to pass, without the conversation showing any signs of drying up. She could sense the uneasiness, and said – ‘isn’t it beautiful out there’ pointing towards the lush lawns, under the twinkling sky. I looked at her, and we moved away from the crowd. No words required, a single glance said what we were thinking, a glance is all we required to know that both of us wanted to step away from the crowd… some things never change.
“So what have you been upto all these years?” she said trying to break the ice which seemed to have set between the couple who were known to be the firebrand couple of the batch.
“Not much really”, I replied with a casual air, but unable to talk eye to eye. “After my doctorate, got a job abroad. Now settled here in California, and you?”
“I joined an art course, after working for a year. The Art Academy organized a tour of some of the most famous art galleries in the world. This is our last stop. We will be here for nearly a month before returning to India.”
I couldn’t help wondering whether she would be having any grudges against me. After what all happened … or rather didn’t happen. Wonder what she must have thought about me while I went ahead to pursue a doctorate in the states. The phone call marathons of the college days had dwindled to calls of a few minutes, leading to frequent bickering about it. Slowly, but steadily, the distance took a toll. I felt she was no longer with me, and I think she felt the same. Ironic, that both should feel that the other has changed, while neither has … the ironies of life.
We were talking about our classmates, where they were, who all had got married, how many kids they have … but I wasn’t quite in the conversation. I was thinking. I was known to be a thinker among those who knew me – a thinker who thinks about so many things, always has so many things to talk about, is more of an analyst, an intellectual. I was thinking. But this time, it was my life which was flashing past me again and again. And a question hounded me, hitting me hard, and I groped to answer it – “how did I lose her… how could I?”
I had never proposed to her. Neither did she. We didn’t need to, did we? Anyone and everyone who saw us together, would always compliment us as a couple. It was something which was there in the aura around us. We complimented. Completely. And although never let out in words, we knew it whenever we looked into each other’s eyes. It was probably the biggest mistakes I committed, we committed, that we never spoke out the true feelings. Although on one hand, you both know and feel it, but sometimes it is essential to spell it out. After graduation, I got an offer to pursue doctoral study across the far seas. Although I was known to be very professional minded among friends, deep inside me what bothered me was a perennial question - “what about us?”
We were sitting in a restaurant, with the offer letter in her hand. She looked at it many times, then smiled back to me and said – “this is wonderful, you must take up this opportunity” I simply nodded my head. A bit later, she smiled again, and said – “and keep in touch”. I nodded again. Nobody said anything else. I wish I had. I wish … she had.
“Married?” the question was directed at me. I knew it was coming, sooner or later. And to be brutally honest, I was dying to ask the same. “What about you?”, I said.
“Not yet”, she replied, turning her face away to the city lights, and looking further away, at the fountain. For a moment, I felt she was hesitant to face me. And then, when she turned to look at me, I turned my face away. Imagine, two people who used to spend hours looking at each other couldn’t face each other … ironies of life.
“But isn’t it already pretty late for you…you must be what ..around thirty five” I blurted out. I tried to search for some words to say, but my quick wit evaporated in no time.
She smiled wryly back at me “You are not supposed to ask a girl’s age, didn’t you know!!…. You are still the college student I remember, not changed a bit”, and landed a pat on my arm. Sometimes little things can bring in a whirlpool of thoughts. Earlier in college days, I used to tease her for being a month elder to me. And every time I pulled her leg about it, she used to retort back by saying “u r not supposed to know my age” and start hitting me playfully on my arm. Some habits never change ….
I tried to change the topic - “My parents are in India and they keep writing to me to come back, but my wife will not hear of it. Actually once you get used ….”
“Oh…so when did you get married?” her face was again turned away.
There was a pause. When she looked back at me, I said “About two years ago, we were in the same institute and …”
“Ofcourse”, she said, smiling as if the pieces had just clicked.
I didn’t know what to say, my mind was thinking too much in too less a time. I was trying to figure out what she must be thinking right now. Is she sad? is she feeling betrayed? Is her smile real? Probably for the first time, I felt a fakeness in her smile …
“Its not like you think….”, I said suddenly, defensively. “It was an arranged marriage”.
She didn’t reply for quite sometime. I didn’t know where to look at. I felt as if an eerie silence had engulfed me. I tried to look towards the party hall, and saw a couple looking deeply into each others eyes. I stood still for a moment, and then forced myself to look away. I managed a glance at her, she was looking towards the horizon … maybe looking at the stars … which seem to be so close… yet so far.
“You know, many a times in life a relationship doesn’t work out. It doesn’t matter that it didn’t work out. What matters is whether you are hiding from the fact that there was no commitment. Anyway it doesn’t matter, harboring hurt never brought anyone happiness and….” Her words trailed off in mid-sentence. ‘Hiding from the fact that there was no commitment’ echoed inside me. For a moment, I felt as the person who has shied away from commitment I felt hollow from within. I was engulfed in random thoughts when I suddenly felt a nudge at my arm, and looking back saw my wife.
“Its pretty late, I think we should be leaving”, she whispered to me. I always bend down whenever she whispers to me, but somehow I didn’t do it this time. While she spoke, I just kept looking at her blankly. Stared at her, trying to recognize my own wife. Then I suddenly blurted out - “____ … my wife”
“Nice to meet you”, she shook her hand, “and all the best to both of you”. She raised her glass as if proposing a drink, then turned and slowly walked back to the room to join her friends. I kept looking at her walk away for a few seconds, before turning to my wife.
I looked at my wife for a few moments. It was in my second year into my doctoral studies when I met her. My move to the states – I don’t even know whether it helped me or destroyed me – was well appreciated by my parents and relatives. It was supposed to be the stepping stone to a booming career. It was to be the foundation of the rest of my life. Everyone was happy, my parents and relatives, my friends, everyone – except a couple of souls. The distance was taking a toll. It was becoming increasingly difficult to be the same old self. I could feel it, I could see it – I could see myself slowly drifting more and more towards work. Work became a way of life, labs became my home. I started exhausting myself to such an extent, that all I did was work and sleep. I could feel myself drifting away from everything, and looking around, I saw work as the only saviour. I didn’t even realize, that I had lost many more things apart from my sleep – my sense of humour (which is probably the first of things which attracted her to me) had dried up, thanks to the battering I had faced in the hands of the ironies in my life. Life had become colorless and clumsy, it was like a slow moving tortoise, who doesn’t care whats happening around, all it does is doodle at its own pace, and retract into its shell from time to time.
I woke up from my slumber on hearing a female voice, probably arguing with someone. My first reaction was of irritation, but as I turned around to say something, maybe something harsh, I saw a young lady, clad in specs, books in hand, looking at me in a strange way. It was only a few moments later that I realized why she was staring at me – I was nothing more than a haggard face, unshaven for days, who had dozed off on the keyboard in the early hours of the day, after a night long stint. Not to mention about my dressing sense, which I seemed to have left back in my mother land. I had seen many students come and go after a stint in the lab, often leaving with a forgettable impression about me as someone who keeps up to himself. I didn’t expect a different behaviour from her either. She came across as a warm person. And she had an inquisitive streak in her. Her inquisitive nature drew me into talking to her about varying things, from research topics to as diverse as the latest fashion trends in Milan. What struck me the most, was the astonishment similarity between her and ____ . I couldn’t help take a liking to her, more so cause whenever she was around, it reminded me of _____. I suddenly found myself in a different world, I started seeing ____ in her. But then, every time I saw a glimpse of ___ in her, it also reminded me of how things had fallen apart… or rather, how and why neither ____ nor I tried to hold on. I was on a road of a bitter-sweet journey, where every few moments, I would bump into landmarks, which reminded me of the past. Its hard to explain, to have someone besides you, who reminds you of someone endearing from the past. One moment I felt that ___ was with me again, a few moments later, I tried hard to get touch ground, get real.
I look around, trying to spot her in the party crowd. It is the graduation party, myself being one of them receiving the doctoral degree. Didn’t even realize how the past couple of years passed by. Probably cause I had her with me all the time, she, in whom I had seen an image of ____. I saw her from a distance, she looked at me and smiled. I reciprocated. It has been 2 years since I met her, and we share a very special bond. I owe a lot to her, in fact, I should say - she resurrected me. Standing there, on the graduation day, I felt a strange expecting look in her eyes. Does she expect me to … but I don’t think I can, I am so stuck up, with a feet in my past and another feet dangling somewhere in the present. I kept talking to her for a while, when she suddenly said – “what do u expect in life?” I was a bit taken aback at the sudden philosophical question I was facing. I let out a sigh. She looked at me with childlike curiosity, while I tried to look away, unable to decide what to say. I think she could sense what I was thinking. After a long pause, she spoke up again – ‘are you going to settle down in California?’
I knew the time had come to take a decision. I couldn’t leave everything hanging in mid air, I couldn’t face her imploring eyes any more … she seemed to be perplexed, cause I never gave a response when it came to the future, and now it was the graduation day. ‘What about you?’, I said, trying to avoid answering the question. She looked at me, I expected her to say something… but she kept looking at me. After a few moments, which seemed to be ages, she said something unexpected. ‘Don’t you know why I asked you?’, she asked. I looked at her, into her eyes, which were a touch misty, and suddenly felt a searing danger of losing her to time and distance, just the way I had lost ____. I decided not to lose it all again.
I looked at ____ walk away, while my wife stood besides me, holding on to my hand. I remember it was been a party like this on the graduation day of my doctoral study … when I had proposed to her.
