Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Yesterday's Sunshine.......
When he came running up the slope ................ the mountain had seemed greener till a few moments before, the clouds a little nearer and the far away mountain slopes not so far away. But the world changed when he burst out shouting ....he had made it. He had just got news that the University had accepted him. There was hardly any time now. He would have to be there within a week or lesser if possible. I had never felt the ground slipping away from beneath my feet so fast. I turned away ...I think I did a good job of hiding some persistent drops of water in my eye .......and I am sure he did not guess. But I have later asked myself many a time........wouldn't it have been better to have let one stubborn tear drop escape and fall just so that he would have seen it ........ and realized and stopped and never turned to go away again. From that moment we hardly got time together. He never guessed or tried to realize the unspoken words......and I ......waited. I have no idea for what or why. It had just seemed so complete........him, with me , suddenly. It could hardly have been six month that he had intruded into my life, my mountains......... a new neighbor, eager to make friends, to get to know the people around. Before, the peaks sloping away in the distance .......had always seemed so remote yet so familiar. Somehow everything changed after he came. I had known myself to be independent and to know all...... after all this was where I had grown up. How could someone show me more about what I had explored and trekked so thoroughly. And yet he made me learn more about those same mountains that I had known more than him ....sometime. We ...would stand hand in hand at the edge of the slope............ drawing deep breaths from the steep incline in front of us and the vast greens behind. Those warm hands clasped in one another's...................... those clouds which bore witness. It seemed as if that was life. ...... this was life. There couldn't have been anything more complete....... than the understanding we shared. The dependency that had grown, the support we craved for from each other........ taking for granted that the other would understand..... it was not that we didnt fight. We would not speak to each other for days and then suddenly one of us would come running to show the other a new butterfly ...... and all the brawls would be forgotten. We saw the world through the colored eyes of a child and never knew when time overtook us....... and never realized that we would have to move on. And the same slopes that had been our playmate stood mutely watching as we said goodbye. A hurried goodbye kiss, a train waiting somewhere ........ it didnt wait for him to understand..... or did he. I always wondered whether he heard me say what I didnt say, I so wished he would. So wished he would stop and turn. I needed him so ...did he not need me too. I had always dreamt how when I fell in love everything would be perfect. My hero always at my side and always at my bidding. And I had realized that love was nothing like that. Love demanded as much as it gave........ but I had walked the world in his shoes and I wanted to share his life just as I had made him a part of mine. I stood alone on that slope that evening ....... it had been a long time since the mountain had seen me alone. And I wondered if it had been jealous ....and I smiled to myself and I felt the mountain echo my smile. And I turned to make my way back home as the lights started coming out ....dotting the cottages on the mountain side. inspiration : eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, a song playing on my ipod which must be "i never saw blue like that ", and alone at home ........
Friday, December 23, 2005
Yoga... and me
Its not that I have not tried yoga before. I remember the yoga classes I had dragged Monika into for a month and though we had enjoyed a trip to Coimbatore at the end of it, I know Monika will not ever bless me for that experience. What with all the asanas and the hypnotizing feel good talk ........... :)
I am just back from a yoga class. Luann and Sudhir and me ...... I loved it. I was quite the one out of shape....I didn't need the mirror in front to tell me that. Mine were the legs that wobbled when you had to raise them to the ceiling and hold them there. I wonder if I even managed to touch the ground without bending my knees once. It was Hatha yoga and they had music in the background. It was not the chanting music but felt something more akin to japanese ...... whatever it was .... it was soothing. The exercises were concentrated on breathing but involved a few of the asanas as well.
Towards the end of the class we were told to lie down facing up and to rest with long breaths. It was then that the instructor kept telling us to inhale love and acceptance and breathe out negativity, judgements, criticism, to feel the support and safety of the ground, to forget the day ahead or the morning behind us. He told us to think of three people in turn, one whom we loved, one who had just crossed our paths and one whom we found difficult and challenging and to direct our energies in wishing each of them well, assuring them of our good intentions.
I was so surprised at his words,...................was this what everybody wants in life. "Exhale criticism, negativity, judgements, inhale love and acceptance"........Was this the same question that plagued everyone. How did he know ...that I had been warping myself with these negative thoughts all day long. Or does everybody go through the same up and down as me everyday ?
That is a different matter altogether, that I have started to think of myself as a neurotic , nervous-disorder patient nowadays ........maybe thats why his words seemed soothing and to use the technical term in vogue "personalized " :).
I think a yoga class should be the next thing on my agenda. Maybe thats the only thing that will save me from insanity. :)
I am just back from a yoga class. Luann and Sudhir and me ...... I loved it. I was quite the one out of shape....I didn't need the mirror in front to tell me that. Mine were the legs that wobbled when you had to raise them to the ceiling and hold them there. I wonder if I even managed to touch the ground without bending my knees once. It was Hatha yoga and they had music in the background. It was not the chanting music but felt something more akin to japanese ...... whatever it was .... it was soothing. The exercises were concentrated on breathing but involved a few of the asanas as well.
Towards the end of the class we were told to lie down facing up and to rest with long breaths. It was then that the instructor kept telling us to inhale love and acceptance and breathe out negativity, judgements, criticism, to feel the support and safety of the ground, to forget the day ahead or the morning behind us. He told us to think of three people in turn, one whom we loved, one who had just crossed our paths and one whom we found difficult and challenging and to direct our energies in wishing each of them well, assuring them of our good intentions.
I was so surprised at his words,...................was this what everybody wants in life. "Exhale criticism, negativity, judgements, inhale love and acceptance"........Was this the same question that plagued everyone. How did he know ...that I had been warping myself with these negative thoughts all day long. Or does everybody go through the same up and down as me everyday ?
That is a different matter altogether, that I have started to think of myself as a neurotic , nervous-disorder patient nowadays ........maybe thats why his words seemed soothing and to use the technical term in vogue "personalized " :).
I think a yoga class should be the next thing on my agenda. Maybe thats the only thing that will save me from insanity. :)
Reprimanding myself.
There are some things which I hate doing (like feeling sorry for myself) ....and those are usually the things I am ending up doing most of the time nowadays. It was of my own volition that I decided I am not going anywhere these holidays ....and then suddenly I had to fall sick which always takes a terrible beating on the emotional aspect of things. And thats it! Thats all I needed to feel sorry about ....about being left alone with no friends, nowhere to go and having only to work from 8-4 and then being too tired to explore anything else. The only thing I feel like doing all day is sleeping.
And if it had not been for me feeling unhappy and pitying myself at this moment then there are so many ...but so many things to do and laugh at. The most interesting would probably be the third point perspective. Standing aloof and looking at the world around you, whizzing by. I have led a comparatively sheltered life.............. no heart-breaks or heart-losses so far. And I have listened to both other girls and guys telling me about how they were let down. And somehow each side ended up saying that probably that is a characteristic trait of the other group. I wish I could tell them that it is the person and never the group that it is at fault. And speaking about fault, maybe even that I cannot be too hasty at judging.
I actually also screwed up one grade of mine.....and I think that is the cause that I am still deeply wallowing in self-misery/pity. Getting up and looking forward has somehow never been my cup of tea.
After a long time , yesterday I had to sleep with the lights switched on throughout the night becoz I was scared. Or was that also another emotional backlog !!!!
Usually at times like this only something drastic gives a sense of satisfaction. I was thinking of deleting my blog :) well thats only as far drastic as I can think. Unfortunately I cannot figure out how to do that and I need some pointers. Anybody out there ?????
And if it had not been for me feeling unhappy and pitying myself at this moment then there are so many ...but so many things to do and laugh at. The most interesting would probably be the third point perspective. Standing aloof and looking at the world around you, whizzing by. I have led a comparatively sheltered life.............. no heart-breaks or heart-losses so far. And I have listened to both other girls and guys telling me about how they were let down. And somehow each side ended up saying that probably that is a characteristic trait of the other group. I wish I could tell them that it is the person and never the group that it is at fault. And speaking about fault, maybe even that I cannot be too hasty at judging.
I actually also screwed up one grade of mine.....and I think that is the cause that I am still deeply wallowing in self-misery/pity. Getting up and looking forward has somehow never been my cup of tea.
After a long time , yesterday I had to sleep with the lights switched on throughout the night becoz I was scared. Or was that also another emotional backlog !!!!
Usually at times like this only something drastic gives a sense of satisfaction. I was thinking of deleting my blog :) well thats only as far drastic as I can think. Unfortunately I cannot figure out how to do that and I need some pointers. Anybody out there ?????
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Nature-ally
There is something which refuses to let me be tied to practical reality at all times. When I walk home from the University, I can't help imagine that the mountain in the distance forms the outline of a girl's face lying down , the pout of her lips and cheeks, her closed eyes ....... and here face turned to the heavens. I can't help but imagine that the house I just crossed with all its shuttered windows and practically with no movement to be seen anywhere might be the prison of the mad woman in the attic from the story ......(will fill in later when I remember).
A fickle brain, or devil's workshop or simply escapist .....well all of it has its charms. At the end of the day the house will just be a shuttered house and the mountain will just be another mountain. It was just that those moments of the girl staring at the sky and the mad woman following my movements from behind her shuttered prison just made them so real for a few moments ...... more real than they were never before.
I learnt today , yesterday........... its easy to mess up. Easiest when you put your whole heart to it bcoz you want it to go right. And there are those days, when you are least concerned about what happens bcoz it doesn't matter to you so much and ....that day everything goes right and you come out with flying colors. Is it bcoz you did not attach importance to it ......... that you just let yourself go that the latter(which mattered not at all) turned out better than the first(which mattered the world to you) or what !!!
Not in the mood to write anymore today.
A fickle brain, or devil's workshop or simply escapist .....well all of it has its charms. At the end of the day the house will just be a shuttered house and the mountain will just be another mountain. It was just that those moments of the girl staring at the sky and the mad woman following my movements from behind her shuttered prison just made them so real for a few moments ...... more real than they were never before.
I learnt today , yesterday........... its easy to mess up. Easiest when you put your whole heart to it bcoz you want it to go right. And there are those days, when you are least concerned about what happens bcoz it doesn't matter to you so much and ....that day everything goes right and you come out with flying colors. Is it bcoz you did not attach importance to it ......... that you just let yourself go that the latter(which mattered not at all) turned out better than the first(which mattered the world to you) or what !!!
Not in the mood to write anymore today.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Too abstract a post
Everybody has a past and we really don't give much time to think about it in our fast-paced lives. Its probably as some of you might argue, what people do when they have nothing else to do and failing memories. But sometimes there are these connections ..... and you are transported back in a second - and there you are...... standing in your school auditorium reliving a particularly embarassing moment or remembering and smiling to yourself at how you caught your parents acting Santa Claus.
If I sit and look back .....(not that I should be doing it, considering that I am in the middle of trying to get a filesystem working .....but both the monitor and I have taken to staring at each other for long intervals now and I thought I would take a break) the past that meets my eyes is one that kept getting better with time. And anything and everything that I could think of or want or wish for, I have had ......... maybe not at the time that I had wanted it but definitely when I had the maturity to accept it for what its true worth was and not just at face value.
With time, I have gained more acceptance not just because of myself but inspite of myself and those are things (things here do not even remotely come close to the word material) that I truly treasure because I know I am too lucky too have them. But further back in time, there are so many things that even if I were faced with today, I would try to evade , avoid .......... they were not unpleasant in themselves but I had lacked the courage to face them as I often have now as well.
But once I left my school days and went on to college, circumstances were such that I could not turn back and even if I have cried to go back to college after the long holidays at home ........... final year made up for all that in one swipe. You realise what you truly had when the time comes to part from it. College brought that realization to me more than once.
I sometimes wonder how important is acceptance, or rather if I may rephrase the question, how important is it to me...... and I know I give being accepted a lot more importance than I should.
I wonder if its the same with others as well......... and then I wonder (well you know how one trail of thought leads to another to another.....) why do I have this tendency to belong to a group and not just stand up alone ...... aside and independent. :) Maybe I was not built that way.
Everybody lives life on their terms, standing up for some principles that they believe in and believe to be right .......... and in the midst of it , in the midst of all this mumbo jumbo philosphy they are still trying to breathe and live and laugh ............... and in the midst of all of that , somewhere is where I should start learning to ..... too.
If I sit and look back .....(not that I should be doing it, considering that I am in the middle of trying to get a filesystem working .....but both the monitor and I have taken to staring at each other for long intervals now and I thought I would take a break) the past that meets my eyes is one that kept getting better with time. And anything and everything that I could think of or want or wish for, I have had ......... maybe not at the time that I had wanted it but definitely when I had the maturity to accept it for what its true worth was and not just at face value.
With time, I have gained more acceptance not just because of myself but inspite of myself and those are things (things here do not even remotely come close to the word material) that I truly treasure because I know I am too lucky too have them. But further back in time, there are so many things that even if I were faced with today, I would try to evade , avoid .......... they were not unpleasant in themselves but I had lacked the courage to face them as I often have now as well.
But once I left my school days and went on to college, circumstances were such that I could not turn back and even if I have cried to go back to college after the long holidays at home ........... final year made up for all that in one swipe. You realise what you truly had when the time comes to part from it. College brought that realization to me more than once.
I sometimes wonder how important is acceptance, or rather if I may rephrase the question, how important is it to me...... and I know I give being accepted a lot more importance than I should.
I wonder if its the same with others as well......... and then I wonder (well you know how one trail of thought leads to another to another.....) why do I have this tendency to belong to a group and not just stand up alone ...... aside and independent. :) Maybe I was not built that way.
Everybody lives life on their terms, standing up for some principles that they believe in and believe to be right .......... and in the midst of it , in the midst of all this mumbo jumbo philosphy they are still trying to breathe and live and laugh ............... and in the midst of all of that , somewhere is where I should start learning to ..... too.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Laughing to myself.....
I had been thinking about starting this post off in a very philosophical tone (:)) just to show that I am on my way to becoming a philosophical guru) tone..... but as always, the blog itself takes a different turn when I start to write.
Thanksgiving was last week ...... and I don't know what kept me from writing about it for so long except that I had this project submission which finally got over yesterday night. Last week of semester, too hectic...lots ofprojects submissions and the finals. Among occassional spats, brawls and quarrels (I do sound like a cat here, don't I ?) thanksgiving day turned out too good to be true. Shalini and I tried our hand at baking a chocolate cake which turned out quite good.
Luann picked us all up by 11 and we were off to Sabino Canyon - her home. Her home was a cozy little house ....for me it seemed the coziest place to stay in. It had a backyard where she had planted bougainvilleas ......and it looked out to the Santa Rita mountains in the south. With portico chairs under an open sky,with the moutains far away....... I couldn't even dream of spending an afternoon otherwise. It seemed exactly like a cottage we would go to spend our holidays and where Maa would say ..... this is where you can just sit and write or read all day.
Sabino canyon is one of THE tourist spots here. It is interspersed with trails for hiking and I saw more people hiking and walking there than I have in my four months in Tucson. To say its beautiful is an understatement ........ if you look closely at the green mountains (green becoz of the saguaro or cactus) you will see the trails that wind around them and you would even be able to make out athletic people who had overtaken you on those distant mountain tracks. But what would probably be breath-taking ......would be when after climbing a little incline you looked back on a winding road and saw the green, yellow and autumn colored (....could find no better word to describe the color.......) trees standing tall over the road.
That was how Darjeeling was and that is what I love about the mountains. They seem so impersonal , holding back a mountain of secrets in themselves as if their lips are sealed.........and at the same time modestly displaying their expanse , and beauty. Some of the names which Luann pointed out and which sort of stuck with me were thimble peak, rattlesnake trail, esperrero trail, bluff trail......... I am sure I would have got lost pretty soon on the Rattlesnake trail....it was just a worn out path with rocks all around and quite a bit of climbing up and down and moving around the mountain side. I had been out of exercise for quite sometime (not that I ever exercise......my only exercise would be walking triangles in campus between department, work and home)...so you can guess that I was panting by the end of it. :)
The hike was energising but we were all ravenous by the end of it.... and the thought of the turkey seemed too inviting ..........(roasting in the oven in Luann's kitchen). During dinner, even though the turkey and cranberry sauce topped the list ...but they were joined by mashed potatoes, salads, turkey gravy, noodles in chicken broth , tofurkey (vegetarian turkey made from soy beans I think), a pumpkin pie, cheese cake with sweet potatoes and our chocolate cake. (It was quite a spread quite like a famous five dinner just before they start out on one their adventures).
Need I mention, we were too full to move after dinner....so we sat around the fireplace chatting, and exchanging thoughts ........ its been a long time since I have actually sat down and discussed something as if I were among friends. It was good to get the feeling back. My first thanksgiving ended on a brilliant note that day ...all thanks to Luann.
The week as all weeks go ....was just another waiting for the weekend to come. Though I managed to watch Kate and Leopold in between. :) Sweet movie and does bring a smile to yor lips.
Today I chance happened to come across this blog by Samit Basu becoz of Shalini. If I remember having read correctly, he gave up a management career to start writing. That ofcourse started me off on one of my day-dreams......... about why am I doing this ! Sitting here and studying when I could stay with my family and write. .....not that I write great :) but its something I like and which I can do with the least amount of stress or hardwork. .......... Well then I realised , maybe an authoress' life wouldn't be that easy too. (I am always looking for an easy life .......!!! :)) So why not just go ahead and do everything.....learn, study , watchmovies, write, read, hike.....I'll keep adding to that list :).
Today there were a lot of things which brought a smile to my lips. ........ right now what came to my mind was this comment by my physics tutor in class XII ........ you should be good at whatever you are, if you are a student be the best student you can be ..........(and he would end it off with) if you are a thief be the best thief .... :)
Well to leave you on that note.......bon voyage.
Thanksgiving was last week ...... and I don't know what kept me from writing about it for so long except that I had this project submission which finally got over yesterday night. Last week of semester, too hectic...lots ofprojects submissions and the finals. Among occassional spats, brawls and quarrels (I do sound like a cat here, don't I ?) thanksgiving day turned out too good to be true. Shalini and I tried our hand at baking a chocolate cake which turned out quite good.
Luann picked us all up by 11 and we were off to Sabino Canyon - her home. Her home was a cozy little house ....for me it seemed the coziest place to stay in. It had a backyard where she had planted bougainvilleas ......and it looked out to the Santa Rita mountains in the south. With portico chairs under an open sky,with the moutains far away....... I couldn't even dream of spending an afternoon otherwise. It seemed exactly like a cottage we would go to spend our holidays and where Maa would say ..... this is where you can just sit and write or read all day.
Sabino canyon is one of THE tourist spots here. It is interspersed with trails for hiking and I saw more people hiking and walking there than I have in my four months in Tucson. To say its beautiful is an understatement ........ if you look closely at the green mountains (green becoz of the saguaro or cactus) you will see the trails that wind around them and you would even be able to make out athletic people who had overtaken you on those distant mountain tracks. But what would probably be breath-taking ......would be when after climbing a little incline you looked back on a winding road and saw the green, yellow and autumn colored (....could find no better word to describe the color.......) trees standing tall over the road.
That was how Darjeeling was and that is what I love about the mountains. They seem so impersonal , holding back a mountain of secrets in themselves as if their lips are sealed.........and at the same time modestly displaying their expanse , and beauty. Some of the names which Luann pointed out and which sort of stuck with me were thimble peak, rattlesnake trail, esperrero trail, bluff trail......... I am sure I would have got lost pretty soon on the Rattlesnake trail....it was just a worn out path with rocks all around and quite a bit of climbing up and down and moving around the mountain side. I had been out of exercise for quite sometime (not that I ever exercise......my only exercise would be walking triangles in campus between department, work and home)...so you can guess that I was panting by the end of it. :)
The hike was energising but we were all ravenous by the end of it.... and the thought of the turkey seemed too inviting ..........(roasting in the oven in Luann's kitchen). During dinner, even though the turkey and cranberry sauce topped the list ...but they were joined by mashed potatoes, salads, turkey gravy, noodles in chicken broth , tofurkey (vegetarian turkey made from soy beans I think), a pumpkin pie, cheese cake with sweet potatoes and our chocolate cake. (It was quite a spread quite like a famous five dinner just before they start out on one their adventures).
Need I mention, we were too full to move after dinner....so we sat around the fireplace chatting, and exchanging thoughts ........ its been a long time since I have actually sat down and discussed something as if I were among friends. It was good to get the feeling back. My first thanksgiving ended on a brilliant note that day ...all thanks to Luann.
The week as all weeks go ....was just another waiting for the weekend to come. Though I managed to watch Kate and Leopold in between. :) Sweet movie and does bring a smile to yor lips.
Today I chance happened to come across this blog by Samit Basu becoz of Shalini. If I remember having read correctly, he gave up a management career to start writing. That ofcourse started me off on one of my day-dreams......... about why am I doing this ! Sitting here and studying when I could stay with my family and write. .....not that I write great :) but its something I like and which I can do with the least amount of stress or hardwork. .......... Well then I realised , maybe an authoress' life wouldn't be that easy too. (I am always looking for an easy life .......!!! :)) So why not just go ahead and do everything.....learn, study , watchmovies, write, read, hike.....I'll keep adding to that list :).
Today there were a lot of things which brought a smile to my lips. ........ right now what came to my mind was this comment by my physics tutor in class XII ........ you should be good at whatever you are, if you are a student be the best student you can be ..........(and he would end it off with) if you are a thief be the best thief .... :)
Well to leave you on that note.......bon voyage.
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