Of decisions

I like writing for the simple fact that I can ramble on without beginning or end.....start somewhere and end somewhere completely different. And the greatest pleasure it gives me is the thought that someday I most probably will revisit and laugh at these memories or essays or blog-bits or whatever you can call them.

Now, that I am at home the most common question people usually ask me is "what do you do all day ?". Well I definitely don't sit in front of the computer hours at end, nor do I catch all the movies and saas bahu serials on tv. Books ..yes, they were always my first love and continue to be...though I do admit (and Monika, Sapna and Koms will probably corroborate this) that I should expand the genre to cover sci-fi, comedy and horror rather than only sentimental and romantic novels. Yesterday after a long time, Maa was reading out tagore's peoms to me. I had one childhood favorite...its about a little boy who is actually dreaming about this troupe of his, his mother riding beside him in a palki (palanquin). He defends and saves his mother's life from a group of dacoits who suddenly attack them. The cry of "haare re re re re" that the dacoits raise was one of my most favorite parts of the poem .....in its suddenness and its intensity. But ofcourse there are many poems and stories and songs more befitting my age which I should have but never did read. Maa read out one such, its called "shesher kobita". Its about a boy called Amit who liked to stand out for the fun of standing out.....he would adorn the opposite of what was the fashion trend and praise with full arguements that, which probably did not deserve it. His inclination towards girls was of the kind ...curious but not interested. He meets this girl on a mountain trip...and they fall in love. But in the end the girl leaves him to marry someone else....and she sends him a poem in the last letter she sends him ........which is how the story gets its name. The poem is famous.......for the fact that the simple lines strike true.....I don't remember the words exactly but the girl says
that amit has worshipped her as a goddess, in all her goodness
but now she goes to give herself to somebody who will accept her
for what she is ....as a human being with her own faults and values......

Before visa, I was sort of in the middle of the ocean with a no next shore to land on. Getting the visa brought back a lot of confidence and relief ...that yes, finally something might be, possibly coming true. I have written about this before ......about the confusion that confounds us all with what is best for us, the best next step. And I have to admit, the uncertainty which was preying and gnawing at me ....has completely disappeared. But it hasn't got replaced with enthusiasm. When Ayan asked me if I am excited about it, I did not for a moment know what to say . It just does seem like going back again to Hyderabad......or Trichy for that matter. Maybe I still cannot comprehend an eighteen hour flight over the pacific. So, when Maa speaks about it as a long journey and about not returning for quite sometime.......I can hardly comprehend or share. And it is then that I ask myself whether it is really worth it ....this going for myself, for my interest........... and the host of worries and distances that did not seem to matter for so long now come crowding back.......as if stretching a rubber band of time, distance and memories.
When I look back at the last month of eating and sleeping .......(and gaining kilos :)) the permanent thing that I have is company , whether of Bruno curling up beside me during the afternoon naps and keeping his eyes tightly shut so that no amount of cuddling and petting could disturb him, whether of my brother screaming at me for the remote or me scolding and re-scolding him , whether of Maa coming back from college and sipping her tea......(Baba is transferred to bakreswar) ........................
well there were lots of times when I felt as if I did not have an itinerary for the day like maa's college or Tukan's school.....but even then, staying at home and working at a nearby office or staying overseas and studying was a conscious decision I took......and I am still wondering at what cost !!!
But till then , latest harry potters await , and I am thankful to Tukan I got a second day hand at that and it took me two more days than him to complete...... :), and I missed my convocation and wearing yellow robes, and we dined out at hyatt as my treat ..... and time to go back, life is waiting. :) come to think of it ..... this is life too ......
:) :)