Close call

Its not everyday that you have a story to tell. Today I do. So you can grab your pop-corn, but I do not guarantee that my story-telling is par-excellence.

Yesterday I went white-water rafting for the second time. I had been there last summer from Amazon, as part of an intern trip. This time Raja's team-mate organized it and I said yes. Unremarkably, I had been scared the last time. This time I was pretty calm and infact played the role of trying to pacify others who were scared. All in all, I was a little indifferent, a little complacent and I guess I did have an attitude of "I have done this before and nothing will happen".

Well for those of you who have not come across white water rafting, its an adventure sport where you navigate the rapids of a river on a kayak or raft. A kayak is a one person small canoe kind of boat but covered. A raft holds upto 8 people and hence seems more stable and you have company. :) A rapid is where the river is flowing across through rocks and creating waterfalls and swift currents. The fun or adrenalin rush is in navigating the rapids over those currents. There are upto 6 classes of rapids classified by the range of their difficulty, with class 6 being the kind only crazy people will attempt. (Like plunging down the Niagara Falls.) Class 5-4 are navigable by sane people, but include entrapments and hazards like strainers and sweepers. I have forgotten which is which but I will attempt to describe them both. One is something like a fallen tree trunk. The water current rushes against it at a high rate and pins you to it, incase you happen to be floating by :). As a result you have no escape and you may die because of it. The best way to overcome it is by using the force of the water to propel yourself over the obstacle or get on top of it. The second kind is a rock with a hole beneath it. As a result the water is gushing through it at high force. So even though you cannot see anything on the surface, is you happen to be again floating by, it might happen that you get trapped in that hole underneath the surface with no escape. Other kinds of danger might involve you getting hit or hurled against rocks or hitting the rocky bed of the river or even getting your foot wedged in the rock bottom. All these ofcourse are in the extremely unlikely situation that you happen to be in the river.

When we started out, there were 5 of us from my company, one guy Robert who was interning at the white water rafting centre - Skykomish White water rafting (I guess is what it is called), and Patrick , our guide. No sooner had we started off, than I lost my balance a bit, but thankfully the guys on the opposite side caught hold of my shoe and pulled me in. Unfortunately, Kelvin who was sitting at the helm, in front of me on the right, lost his balance and fell into the river. But he only ended up being a bit cold, because the rescuers on the kayaks had soon got hold of him and got him back to the raft. And we were in the relatively smoother part of the river still.

Most of Skykomish river has Class 2-3 rapids. The most exciting one is called Boulder Drop which is a class 4-5 depending on the water level. It has some hair pin bends, some pretty strong currents and some pretty nasty rocks jutting out. We navigated a few of the Class2-3 s before we came to the actual Boulder drop itself. There we had to get out and scout the rapid first from an overlook point, to see if we would like to go through it. It was series of cascading falls over rocks with the first one being about 4 feet and had gigantic rocks peering out from everywhere. We ofcourse did not ever think of not doing it and hurried back.

Once in the raft, and back on the river, just as we were approaching the entrance of the drop, Robert found that his helmet was unclasped and stopped paddling to attach it. As a result, the left side lost man-power and because of this instead of swerving to the left as it was supposed to, our raft went and hit a rock jutting out on the right. What happened after that is still vivid in my mind. I lost balance and got swept clean off the boat and into the water. I lost my oar as soon as I landed in water. I fell head down , and when I re-surfaced I saw the raft about more than few feet away from me. I did not comprehend it then that they could not have saved me in that position. The current was too strong and they had to save themselves and navigate the rapid. I only knew that I felt lost at seeing them float away...... ofcourse that was not for long. The water soon surged over my head, and I went under gulping mouthfuls. My life-vest kept bringing me up to the surface if only for a few seconds. But the current was now pulling me downstream the rapid. All the while, I only tried to follow the instructions the rafters give before the ride. I was trying to keep my feet up in front of me to avoid hitting any rocks with my knees and legs and also to fend off any obstacles like rocks, coming up in front.

The instructions had seemed easy at the time they were said. Believe me, when you are in a rapid, its an all-together different ball game. I did not have any control over where what part of my body was. Sometimes I was pushed upright to a standing position, sometimes I was plunged under water, sometimes I was just turned around and faced upstream which is a bad position to be in because you cannot see what you are going to hit downstream. The worst part was when the waves would crash in over my head, drowning me, because when you are under water you just don't know what you will be hurled against ....... if its a rock coming up against you ...... and the only fear running through my head was of getting wedged. I did get hurled against rocks, but they were smooth and I slipped past them with the current. I was even swept over some of them and squashed against and around others. One time, when I happened to be facing upstream, I caught sight of the guy who was sitting behind me on the raft also in the river, hanging on to his oar. It seems funny now, but I know that I thought then how well he was managing. Ofcourse, it was only much later that we both admitted to each other how petrified we were.

Well rescue seemed nowhere, and the rapid seemed never-ending. I kept at it for however much longer I could, but it was getting awfully difficult to breathe, the water kept rushing over me, and inspite of instructions to breathe only in troughs and not on the crests of waves, I could not manage any gulps of air at all. And I was starting to feel suffocated. On top of that, the water was chilling. And I was scared, and numb by then. My energy had started to give way on me and thats when I finally thought I was not going to make it....... not out of fear. Just because I did not have any energy left to ward off anything or try anything else. Yet I was surprised at how clearly my brain had functioned till then. I could remember it almost dictating every instruction to me. And I cannot imagine something so capable in the middle of that crisis.... if I may call it so. It was only then, with failing strength and almost on the verge of dismissing a rescue and life, that the rescue kayaker appeared and asked me to hold on to the end. By then I was simply whimpering, I did not have any energy left to emit a scream and I think I was sure I was going to die. And somehow nothing more than that would come out of my throat. I can still remember it, a low moan of fear and acknowledgement I guess. When the rafter told me that if you have any energy left....... try to stand on the bank, I just couldn't feel my legs under me. But it was only then that I knew I was safe. When he saw I couldn't stand, and I am sure he heard me whimpering all along, he took me a little further ashore and asked me to wait there for the raft.

My raft appeared a little later and got me on-board. By then I was smiling at their pacifications (cannot think of a better word) and their repeated talk of me having swum well. All I knew was I was alive and the ordeal I thought would not end, had ended. We picked up the other guy who had also been rescued and we wee both commended on keeping calm and making sch a great swim across the Boulder Drop rapid. Thank god, they did that and made it seem like no big deal. Otherwise I probably would have cried there.

After that we made it through a lot more rapids, we also stood up on one of them. All of them were class 2-3s. None as scary, none as eventful . I was very cold by then and was shivering and I just wanted it to end. I did not have the strength to row anymore but I did. A little later it was over. We, Han and I, were quite the topics of discussion. We even got t-shirts saying that we had survived the Boulder Drop.

What can I say..... that I am thankful I am alive....... that everytime I took a step today or did anything, I knew I might not have been taking it. ........ that everyone I met I re-assessed myself, thinking out loud about how they did not know what I had been through just moments back......
and all the time all I could ask myself was - "why me" !! I know these things happen, but there were only two people in the entire team of 50 who fell out and one of them was me. And more than anything, shock , fear or any other emotion, that is probably what hurts me most and maybe it is stupid, but I feel let down. The fact that I am alive pales sometimes in significance. And yet I know thats not how it is. But I wish I could make myself understand.
Since yesterday, my tears seem to be stuck, there is this huge barge which seems stuck at my throat. There were tears streaming down my eyes as I was writing but that huge barge does not seem to be breaking. My mom says I am in shock. Probably, maybe. And yet when I think about it, it does not seem a big deal. I will cry probably, over the next sentimental love story or movie that I watch :).

So that was my story. What did you think !!

Day 4

I watched Illusionist yesterday and fell in love with Edward Norton. I liked the movie a lot, but saying anything more would be a spoiler for anyone who hasn't watched it. In short, after Eternal Sunshine..., Prestige, this is one of my favorites in the 2000's. (There should be a longer list but I cannot remember the others.)

So I had thought I would be sleeping on a bed today finally. I got the mid-beam too. What I couldn't get however, was how to fit it into the bed. For the common sense of me, :) I cannot figure it out. (And I guess the tiredness of the day can also be blamed). So today did not go well. And I guess that's partly why I don't feel like writing at all. After watching Illusionist, I ofcourse got scared and remained scared through the night. :) I guess I haven't outgrown my fear of ghosts. Anyway, I got up from a bad dream, and somehow that never left me throughout the day.
Its happened before, if I do get up after a nightmare or a bad dream, somehow it keeps haunting me throughout the day, with its invisible tentacles. And that's the other thing of being alone. If you are scared, (as I know someone is :) ) of ghosts and spirits, living alone might not be your cup of tea. :)

Day 2

Considering that yesterday happened to be the first day that I actually spent the night at my new home, on a mattress on the floor :), today happens to be day 2. I got all my stuff from storage delivered yesterday. And they had been lying around, the big small brown colored cardboard boxes. Ofcourse they were occupying a lot of space and also getting on my nerves. But I was too tired to pay them any attention. And, with a night trip to Walmart and another spending binge, coming home at nearly midnight, all I could do was get some sleep to face today.

The problem with me is I guess I am sometimes too cautious! I don't even know if thats the right word. I'll pick up two of everything just so that I don't have to face a shortage anytime soon. Then I will come home and realize, that due to similar realizations in the past, I had done the same thing before and those detergents, soaps shampoos and what nots were still lying around...... unfinished. So now I landed up having 4 of the same thing and very much in the mood to switch to some different brand , just for a change. Yes I guess I should not have to see Walmart in a long time to come.

Then there is this other peculiarity, but I guess that might be a little bit in all of us. Once I start something I really want to finish it. Especially when that is emptying out the cardboard boxes and putting things away, just so that the apartment gets a semblance of normalcy. And then, even when I am ready to drop from having seen all the packed stuff that I could have seen for a day, there are still more boxes, still more putting away of stuff to be done. And I keep at it, even though the very notion of seeing another packing, becomes nauseous. But then its no longer about unpacking.... it becomes about just getting done........ just so I don't have to see another packing box in my life (ok, atleast for some months.) It becomes just about looking around and seeing everything stacked away in their right places.

Unfortunately, I gave up today after a sound piece of advice from Maa. I would rather complete my unfinished sleep since what seems like yesteryears, than put away any more stuff. So my house is still a mess. There are two boxes, untouched lying at the far end. There are planks of wood neatly arranged all along the drawing room wall, waiting to be built into a table, and there is a mattress ..... and this temporarily defines my living quarters. There is a bedroom too, but with the unfinished frame occupying more than three quarters of the space, I had to move to living in the so-called dining room space.

With all this around, I have hardly been able to actually realize that I am on my own. Infact this is even better than Hyderabad. There I had a room, here I have a home. :) There, even though it would cost me 5 rupees or 10 rupees, I would get these gerberas I think, from the florist at the bus-stop. I would everytime ask him to guarantee that the flower would bloom for a week and he would humor me into making me believe so. I would then happily go home, arrange that one stalk of pink or yellow or red flower beside my mattress on the floor (yes, I did not own a bed in Hyderabad...... funny that Seattle should start off in the same way. ) And sometimes the flower did bloom for a week. But just seeing the colors everyday made such a difference. If nothing else, that 5 rupees that I spent would give me the joy of admiring something beautiful everyday when I would get up...... till the day that the petals drooped and one by one fell off.

I like vibrant/warm colors. They keep you happy. And hence, even though the rest of my house is a faded beige and brown (the color of cardboard boxes ofcourse), my bathroom has a yellow shower curtain, a blue towel, a lavender hand towel, a blue-yellow octopus and other sea-creatures drawn toothbrush mug and a yellow bath-mat. In all the house, right now, this happens to be the most colorful place. :) Ok I don't know if this makes a very scary description of colors, but you are welcome to visit and look.
So till I add color to the rest of my apartment and my life, :) I guess I will sign off. But I should jot this last bit down. The day that I was actually a nerve-wreck with Ikea, I actually complained and cribbed to Maa about how, if I had a husband I could have made him do all the work. I would never have had to hammer a nail. And I would have had someone to blame for the mismatched chairs. :) Yes, quite the wrong attitude to have, I know. But still that seemed to be the only headache lacking at that time. Now on reflection, and as I had said, with a much more saner stance I can safely say that I am actually proud of myself for having completed what I did. Infact I look forward (with a little hesitation) to assembling the dining table. Well, so long, now that I have got out all the thoughts brewing in my system, I can go to sleep. :)
Goodnight !!

Immaturity and more...

Its so surprising how much can change in a mere seven hours. And its good that both these posts come one after another. It will always remind me of how I went from good to bad to frustrated to literally in tears. So the cable got setup fine, which I failed to check properly because my computer was already catching some wireless connection and before I could check whether mine was working properly, the Ikea delivery guys arrived. And I forgot all about it.

I knew Ikea goods had to be assembled but I did not ask for professional assembly help. Interesting, since I have never fiddled with screw-drivers before, never pulled apart a computer and joined it again, I am not sure how I thought I would accomplish this. I am not somebody who takes fun in assembling stuff (late realization). When its a group I might still join in, but when I am alone it would be one of the last things that I would do. So the first thing that happened, was that I realized I had picked up different colored chairs. The dining table happened to be oak and the chairs happened to be black. When I saw the chairs (that is the chair parts), I was almost too stunned for sometime too think. Then I unwrapped the bed. Well guess what !! There were planks, more planks, more planks and a lot of nails/screws. (Infact the only thing I have seen the whole day are planks of different shapes and sizes.)

I will not go into the whole adventure of assembling a bed alone by someone who will never call herself a carpenter. I splintered wood left and right (I think I messed up the screw sizes at one point). I managed to drop the heavy planks on my foot and will soon have either a black and blue toe nail or a missing toe nail. But in the end I did have a standing bed-frame. For everyone's advice that assembling Ikea products is easy, I will agree (with a lot of muttering under my breath and groaning with the pain of sliced fingers and aching hands)........ with the precondition that you should have all the parts. I unfortunately, had not got the mid-beam of the bed. And this, I realized, was sold separately only when I got to the instructions of Step 18 out of a total of 24 steps. Imagine the frustration of not seeing a so called finished masterpiece. Imagine having a bed frame with the empty interiors, and a new mattress standing and staring at you from a distance, not able to belong where it should. Imagine a whole room full of just boxes, and packing paper, imagine un-assembled dining table pieces lying about and imagine unopened boxes of black chairs which have to be returned.
And you will have imagined the condition in which I left my house.

I would give anything to sell everything off, wipe my hands clean off the whole mess and go away. :) Run away rather !!! And maybe when the hangover of hopelessness, amateur carpentership, absence of satisfaction and immaturity at things not working out the way they are expected to, wears of, I will be able to think more rationally and find solutions instead of more problems. But that does not seem to be a possibility anytime before tomorrow.

On my own

So here I am ..... sitting on the beige carpeted floor, of an otherwise empty drawing room..... except for an unframed Van Gogh's Sunflowers and a Renoir's Dancer staring back at me from the far end of the room. I just got done with the unpacking of the little stuff that I had with me.

There's still more to come.

Like the bed and dining table which I picked up yesterday at Ikea, (for those who haven't still made a visit there, Ikea is the one-stop shop for furniture, some say a little on the cheaper side.) among a lot other things and then stared in disbelief at the bill I had notched up. Believe me, for first-time shoppers, I did all the mistakes that one can make. I picked up table-lamps without getting bulbs, I got shower curtains without the rings, and yet I did manage to pick up a lot many of the other useful but not necessary things like the Academy award type ballet dancers in black and scented candles, and the little stubs which you attach at the bottom of dining table chairs.

So its fun :) definitely fun and very interesting too. And a little scary. And if I haven't actually named all the emotions, its also a lot of making you feel happy and a little bit sad at the same time. After I saw Ikea's bill yesterday, for a long time on the drive back I kept wondering what HAD I got........ and whether it was at all worth it....... and the cliched last but definitely not the least.....if I could return all the stuff I got in the worst case that nothing fit :).

Ofcourse, Ikea itself deserves a paragraph. We went in at 11:30 and came out at 5:30 p.m. Ikea is arranged into all the possible sections of a house ....from dining to drawing to bathrooms to workplaces. Each part is equipped with all the essential things you could want or think of. All combined, its a place you would definitely want to go to if you are setting up house. But then, to make decisions about dining tables, sofas, fhutons (sofa cum beds), beds ........all on the same day was a little over the head for me. Which is why, I have landed up with a bed and a dining table set ....... but no sofa, no microwave, no tv or tv stand, no bookcases and no chest of drawers or dressers. :) Another thing which I did not realize I could not do without....... are spoons. Unfortunately I realized this only after I had poured milk and sugar on my cereals. I am not sure about lunch yet. It will require some exploring. :)

The we that I have been referring to happens to be "Raja" and ofcourse, me. There are some times in life when you need good samaritans in life and they appear out of nowhere. I can probably safely say, that if Raja had not shown me around the whole of Seattle, I wouldn't be sitting here where I am in an cozy apartment ..... and I wouldn't have any furniture for quite sometime. Believe me, Ikea requires patience, having done it once for yourself, it is really a pain to patiently go through it again for a friend, their indecisions, their "I think white looks good" and a 5 minute later "No, I think I am going back for the beige." and another 5 mins later reversal of decisions again....... I guess you get the picture. I don't know about others but I wouldn't have managed this episode of my life without friends like these and I am more than glad they are around.

In the evening, I came back home along the piers. This has been my favorite walk of all times. But I have always been there during the day, and walking along it at night, with all the lights of the boats, the eateries beside the bay and the houses on the opposite is so beautiful, I don't think I will ever forget it. Especially since, the admirable location of the Marriott looking over the bay, and all the houses along Alaskan way commanding the same view ...... leave you wishing how it would be to spend a day in those houses.... forget spending a day , I would love to stay there forever. But then as was pointed out, I might not value such a view if I could see it everyday in passing. My apartment happens to be 2 blocks from the bay, but it doesn't have a view. So I live close enough, but will still be seeing the bay only once in a while. Having everything and then not quite something :). Wishing , envious :) and just dreaming.

While I was unpacking, I kept saving all the plastic bags and packing...... what if I need them when I move again. Then I realized that's not going to be anytime soon. And then it sunk in that this is what I am going to call "home" for sometime now. :) Cool !!

Passionate

So I had started writing about "something", and then there were so many things that I couldn't write on the "something" without revealing some other things which I did not want to reveal..... that I ended up totally lost.

So to start anew, I was rethinking my journey till here. Eventful yes, adventurous yes, enjoyable yes........ ....... my only regret ? Everything is in retrospect. Whenever I have actually been searching for an apartment by myself, or trying to figure out something really simple, the only thing that confronts me then is fear, anxiety and worry. :) Like I was on all edge just thinking that I would not get a house that I liked. I did not get one that I am raving mad about but its cozy for me... and for a start. (Wow!! Quite something ..... I actually managed to settle down in Seattle by myself and get a house by the bay which I had never thought possible in my wildest dreams.)

Work is fun because I am learning Perl. Another thing I never saw myself doing. And I know, we friends had these discussions that the last compilers project would have been particularly simple if we had known Perl and guess what!! Perl is a good language and a great tool to know. Imagine me, a non-computer geek and an un-techno person actually being ardent about a language.

I did forget to note, that this year I had three birthdays, three surprise birthdays , each one very unique and a lot of fun in its own way. And none of them on my actual birthday which I actually spent laundering. I guess I wrote about this before but I laugh so many times when I think about it, that I guess repeating myself makes sense.

Yes, now there are so many things to follow. For atleast some days , I probably won't have the comfort of a home as I know it. I have zilch furniture. It will be fun to shop but everytime I look at something I like, I end up sad that I cannot afford it. Or should I afford a $500 dining table set if I only have to sell it on Craigslist after a year or two. And then there is the despondency wave which overtakes me...... about the uselessness of setting up everything just to rip it apart again. :) But then that would/should/may be another adventure, who knows. So why worry !! ! In the meanwhile, I shall go back to catching up on Bengali movies for the time being while the next Netflix arrives. It so happens, I suddenly realized that I speak so ardently about going back to my roots and being close to my home-ground and feeling passionately about Kolkata only to realize that I know nothing very deeply about any of it.

I have landed ...on Seattle moon :)

Whoa !! I guess my interest in writing is directly proportional to my mood and so is my keeping in contact with friends, mails, chats and everything. :) Well there's been so many things thats happened and I never got time or the interest to put any of the down on paper or rather on screen.

I finally graduated. I am indebted to UofA for finally seeing me through to a Master's degree. Its been painful :) in a lot many ways but I am done with it. The graduation was a very proud moment , I just wish my parents, brother could have been there to see me get the degree. But thats fine. Maybe they will be able to make it for a more important degree.....

After that I was in Maryland for a week, at home with Paramitadi and Dipanda, and I had the most lovely break after graduation. Among all my batch-mates, I probably joined my job the soonest (within a week) but I never felt that I needed a longer break. Maryland ended with another surprise birthday party, (all planned by Paramitadi and Dipanda and helped along by my obvious stupidity and blindness and lack of common sense.) and even though it was two days in advance, I never felt the need for a birthday party on my actual birthday. I also visited Virginia and found it to be a beautiful state. We drove along Virginia roads to the song Take me home country roads, by John Denver. And if you have not seen it, it is exactly how I would imagine an English countryside to be.

I would have stuck with Virginia being the most beautiful state I have seen so far (yes even more than California....... because it has an untouched beauty about it which California does not seem to have, or maybe I haven't been to California in a long time.) if it had not been that I got a chance to see Seattle.

In the past 3 weeks since I have landed, I got to go around the most pretty roads of Seattle, The Lake Blvd, the Magnolia Blvd........ if its sunset, and you have the blue bay on one side of you and the most picturesque houses on the other, and Seattle skyline in the distance..... the only thing you can do is stop and stare.
Since I have spent most of my time in Seattle in downtown or Redmond, seeing something so green and beautiful so close to the city, and thinking that oh my god !! Seattle does have it all ..... is amazing.

Just for the record and so I always remember, I joined my job on my birthday. So I will age at my job as I age in life :).

Apart from that Seattle is the same old, there is the Ye Old Curiosity shop right in the middle of the piers, the Argosy cruises have already started, the weather is not very co-operative but is unable to dampen the fun of enthusiastic tourists. There is a sailing ride which takes off from the piers and has a special sunset tour, there is the duck tour which I had wanted to do before I left last time but didn't get time to. (Apparently, the tour bus is in the form of a duck and rides on both land and water.)

But I guess this time I will have time.

I was checking how soon I come to my cracking point and I found I really don't take time at all. The last three weekends and some weekdays were mostly spent on apartment hunting. It was very frustrating at times, especially when you take a wrong bus and land in a residential area and find you are lost and there is not a soul on the road to redirect you, but then these are part of the game. Also part of the game is getting apartments too expensive, or not in the right location or not with the greatest of fittings, or just not right or just not available.
But....I finally did land one, right in front of the bay. But.... I realized my demands were too much, a view , a deck, a downtown apartment, all for a reasonable price is just not the right mix of ingredients. And so I learnt that I have to compromise on somethings........ which were half the things in the above list. I still don't know why I took the apartment I did, its more like the apartment chose me. I was so hell-bent on this apartment in Redmond, I had hardly thought, that I would change my mind on the morning of the day I was supposedly going to sign the lease. And its not like the apartment has all the features I liked in other apartments or which I dismissed other apartments for. Infact, this is probably the first time in my life, I cannot boast of a room with a view.
But there is a beautiful rooftop deck which has a view of the entire bay in front and the top of the space needle at the back. And I think the location is perfect. :) I couldn't have wanted anything more in that aspect and the apartment itself should be a cozy fit for one person.

Well, this was to be the first time I would be completely on my own and I did want everything to be perfect. But then I learnt that you have to compromise :). And thats fine. I also learnt that sometimes happiness comes off being happy for others. And I am sorry I missed the formula of being happy on BBC. And I finally am sane enough to write again !! Well, life seems fine so far. :)